Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
It’s weird to think if OJ has murdered his wife during his career he could have faced as much as a four-game suspension.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) March 4, 2016
Being 28-2016: I’m not ready for a relationship
28-1816: I have 13 kids
28-1000BC: I lived a good life, thrice I ate a berry and once a pear
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 6, 2016
yikes. don’t google “cream pies”, google “cream pie recipes”
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 5, 2016
If only nature would find a way to cover these oranges so we didn’t need to waste so much plastic on them. pic.twitter.com/00YECaHB4D
— Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) March 3, 2016
maybe you should have allowed pirates pic.twitter.com/QOjtWApTpk
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 2, 2016
Warning to Gawker, if it looks like you’ve got Hulk Hogan beat but then he starts violently shaking and wags his finger you will lose.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) March 7, 2016
“Gary’s coming over”
-Horny Gary or Gary the miner?
[Knocks from the door] “Hey let me in i want to show u my shaft”
“I have no idea”
— Damnit, Ty (@SuperTeeWhy) March 2, 2016
If I was the producer of @nbcsvu & an actor demanded too much money, I’d be like “That’s cool, you’re a child molester in the next episode.”
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 6, 2016
Great news: they made a sequel! pic.twitter.com/3HHxYjeXda
— Jerry Beans (@dogboner) March 3, 2016
NEWS: Everything is bad
GOVERNMENT: Everything is bad
MY BANK ACCOUNT: Everything is bad
PEOPLE (to me): Why are you so negative?
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 6, 2016
“Theyreeee iigggggggtttt” pic.twitter.com/w51Oya49St
— Brxandon (@Bee_Reel) March 8, 2016
Juice before soda to meet your drink quota
Soda before juice, that’s beverage abuse
— viney (@vineyille) March 5, 2016
The best part of Batman vs Superman will be the twenty minutes of footage we haven’t seen already.
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) March 5, 2016
“Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” – Coco Chanel pic.twitter.com/Idw7Ydu0JC
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 4, 2016
i just want someone to believe in me the way andrew bogut believes in steph curry https://t.co/QTUwfwkH6c
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) March 8, 2016
Nobody loves Double Jeopardy more than me, except maybe O.J.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 4, 2016
JERY: no title?
KENDRICK: no title! its called Untitled
JERY:So theres a title
KENDRICK: No! im naming it Untitled
JERY: THATS THE TITLE
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 4, 2016
I went to a monster truck rally only to discover the real monster was man all along
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) March 3, 2016
Interesting delegate count right now and whatnot. pic.twitter.com/izlVp7U4LV
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) March 16, 2016
It would suck if the Make-a-Wish guy was actually a powerful genie able to cure any disease, but kids keep asking to have lunch with Shaq.
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 16, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.