Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Kids your mother and I are getting a puppy. Whoops I mean divorce. There was a puppy on the TV so I accidentally said puppy sorry about that
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 10, 2015
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2015
You know a gift is gonna suck when the giver launches into an explanation while you’re opening it.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 25, 2015
It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 10, 2016
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 12, 2016
Is it parkour when you throw yourself out of the shower because of a spider
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) January 6, 2016
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) November 30, 2015
Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the rooster’s insistence that he knows what’s best for both of their bodies?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) January 15, 2016
“What’s your name, son?” “Uhhhh…” [looks at cop’s shirt pocket] pic.twitter.com/zhgzInhIAT
— Ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) December 22, 2015
“I shall give humans great intelligence, but I shall have them invent fitted sheets that need folding, to keep them humble.” – God, probably
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 17, 2016
“I have haters” = “I overestimate my significance on this planet”
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) January 15, 2016
Everyone hates El Chapo now, but as soon as the “Making A Drug Kingpin” documentary comes out on Netflix… you’ll all think he’s innocent.
— Rick Ingraham (@RickIngraham) January 10, 2016
For those who need it, I present what may be the greatest dog vine ever. https://t.co/KoLwH8rzXI
— Jim DelRosso (@niwandajones) January 14, 2016
The guy in front of me buying two buckets of cat litter put the divider on the conveyor belt for me IS THIS LOVE
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 9, 2016
ah damn i waited too long to buy a powerball ticket and now all of the good numbers are taken
— andy levy (@andylevy) January 13, 2016
[looking at a baby who’s screaming wildly for no apparent reason] This guy gets it
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 8, 2015
when the Subway sandwich artist tells you they’re out of Italian herb and cheese bread pic.twitter.com/nY9Tva8kE4
— Subway WWExperience (@WWESubway) December 28, 2015
I would have completed Fallout 4 a while ago but I put my character on a gluten free diet so it’s taking a little longer. worth it though
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) January 16, 2016
Shoutout to dads for always knowing what model of plane the family’s flying on
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 17, 2016
How not to get women pic.twitter.com/QOIAVPkt4C
— Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) January 18, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.