Spoiler Alert, The Article: Ruining Everything Good On Television For You
Game of Thrones
Biggest spoiler: Jon Snow gets killed by his own men, but then comes back to life in the next season.
How it ends: It’s still going, but probably with the dragons killing all the White Walkers and Daenerys ruling the world. You will never see the dragons nearly enough, though.
Biggest spoiler: Lane Pryce kills himself in his office due to legal and financial troubles.
How it ends: Don has a mid-life crisis and leaves his job to go stay at a hippie commune. While there, he comes up with the iconic “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” advertisement for Coca-Cola. You’ll be like, “Huh?”
House of Cards
Biggest spoiler: Zoe Barnes gets pushed in front of an oncoming subway train by Frank Underwood, which kills her. This happens at the beginning of season two.
How it ends: It’s still going, but Frank Underwood will probably get exposed for his terrible crimes and kill himself in the Oval Office. It will be poetic justice.
Sons of Anarchy
Biggest spoiler: Jax’s mother Gemma kills Jax’s wife Tara in a crazy kitchen fight. Jax then has to kill his own mom.
How it ends: Jax rides his motorcycle right into an oncoming semi, killing himself. You will wish that this had happened three seasons earlier.
Biggest spoiler: Tony kills Christopher after they are in a car crash together. Christopher is badly injured so Tony just covers his mouth and nose and suffocates him.
How it ends: It doesn’t matter, because there really wasn’t an ending. It just went black. People thought their cable went out.
Biggest spoiler: John drowns his brother Danny to death after an argument at the end of season one.
How it ends: Season two just ended with Kevin killing Marco because he had solved Danny’s murder. John left town. Can’t wait for season three!
Making a Murderer
Biggest spoiler: The Manitowoc County officers most likely planted evidence (including blood) to frame Steven Avery for murder because he was going to sue them for an earlier wrongful imprisonment.
How it ends: The frame job worked. Avery and his nephew Brendan were both found guilty and are still in prison. You will be pissed.
Biggest spoiler: Locke was a disabled man before his time on the island.
How it ends: Jack dies on the island, but you don’t know that until the last few minutes of the finale when it’s revealed that he’s been dead the whole final season in some sort of purgatory but didn’t know it. He finally realizes this, finds his other dead island friends and they ride to heaven together or some shit. Many questions are left unanswered.
Biggest spoiler: In the season two finale, a bomb goes off at the CIA building where a memorial service was being held for Vice President Walden, killing David Estes and the vice president’s wife and son and 200 other people.
How it ends: It’s still going, but will undoubtedly end with Carrie (Claire Danes) crying about something.
Biggest spoiler: After backing himself into a corner, Shane kills his pregnant wife and son before blowing his own brains out.
How it ends: Vic Mackey gets immunity for confessing to all the crimes his team did over the seasons, but screws over his partner Ronnie in the process. He basically gets away with everything, but will be stuck at a desk job for the rest of his life. You will feel very conflicted.
Biggest spoiler: Walt shows up at Jesse’s house as Jesse’s girlfriend is overdosing in their sleep, but he lets it happen without saving her. She dies because of this.
How it ends: Hank finds out that Walt is Heisenberg while sitting on the toilet and ends up getting killed because of it. Walt kills the men who killed Hank as revenge before dying himself. Jesse escapes. You will feel like it was a pretty perfect ending. Maybe a little too perfect…
Biggest spoiler: Leland is exposed as the murderer of his daughter Laura Palmer and his niece Maddy while he was under BOB’s control.
How it ends: Agent Cooper maniacally smashes his head into the bathroom mirror, clearly now under BOB’s control because BOB is his reflection in the mirror. Can you believe this show is coming back?!
The Walking Dead
Biggest spoiler: Herschel gets his head chopped off by The Governor.
How it ends: This fucking show is never going to end.
Shiiiit. We’re assholes but not THAT big assholes. We would never spoil a show this good for anyone. Go watch it now. You can thank us later.