The Saddest Brothers On Earth

It’s not easy living in your super successful sibling’s shadow. Anyone with a high-achieving brother or sister knows this. The following group of brothers, however, have to deal with it on a much grander scale.

Doug Pitt

Brother of Brad, Doug Pitt must lie awake every night thinking about how God made his brother into one of the most talented, good-looking pieces of shit to walk the earth. Doug is, however, quite successful; but he has never been a trillionaire or won world’s sexiest man. So, tears.

Jim Hanks

Tom Hanks’ little bro is also an actor. Jim Hanks starred in 1993’s “Buford’s Beach Bunnies,” and it was one of his most famous films. Ever heard of it?

Don Swayze

Looks like Patrick, eh? Don Swayze currently stars in “The Young and the Restless” and “Days of Our Lives.” Much like Jim Hanks, Don gets what he can. He did have a cameo in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” which means he has a sense of humor.

Chad Lowe

Though he once won an Emmy for playing a guy riddled with HIV, Chad Lowe has never quite reached the Hollywood heights of brother Rob.

Daniel Baldwin

Daniel Baldwin was arrested in 1998 for cocaine possession after running naked through Plaza Hotel in New York screaming, “Baldwin!” Yes, you are the brother of Alec; no need to get so excited. Daniel has been in and out of rehab and jail for a while now.

Shannon Leto

I’m only assuming Shannon Leto is sad being the brother of skinny hipster Jared due to the fact that they both play in emo band 30 Seconds to Mars.

Harry Smith

Harry Smith, brother of Will, moved out to LA with his bro from the mean streets of Philly. One became the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the other didn’t.

Randy Quaid

Randy Quaid and his wife were recently arrested trying to cross the Canadian border into America illegally. They also filmed a sex tape with Randy quoting lines from “Independence Day” with a giant crumb-filled beard and a photo of Rupert Murdoch eerily looking on.

Paul Vincent

Very few images of Vin Diesel’s brother Paul have been seen by humans. Whether that’s due to him sporting a ginger afro and turtleneck on the reg is up for speculation.

Trace Cyrus

Maybe it’s a good thing Trace Cyrus didn’t follow in Miley’s footsteps.

Conrad Hilton

Imagine for an instant that you’re browsing the Internet in 2004 and stumble upon “1 Night in Paris.” You think, “Hmm, this looks like an interesting documentary about France,” only to watch your sister having hardcore sex in night vision. Who wouldn’t be sad?

Chris Ciccone

In the same vein as Conrad Hilton, Chris Ciccone has watched his sister Madonna for the past few decades. It’s OK, Chris – your sister is nearing her Golden Years and will likely withdraw from slutty stage antics eventually. Or will she?

James Haven

Remember that creepy kiss these two had on the red carpet in 2000? That was the last time anyone cared about James Haven.

Jake Paltrow

Jake Paltrow looks a lot like Chris Martin, Gwyneth’s ex-husband. I’m not suggesting anything. Just saying.