10 New Cabinet Positions
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Secretary of Zoom (Matthew McConaughey)
Few celebrities embraced Zoom as a way of life more than the Dazed and Confused star did in 2020. He even played bingo with the residents of a Texas retirement home. We can’t think of a better person to be in charge of our new Zoom-filled way of life.
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Secretary of Stopping Future Pandemics (Dr. Anthony Fauci)
One of the heroes of 2020 was Anthony Fauci. We think he deserves a spot in the cabinet as the Secretary of Stopping Pandemics. Plus, anyone who butts heads with Trump as much as Fauci has is alright with us. If he was in charge, maybe we wouldn’t all still be stuck in our homes.
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Secretary of Social Justice (Beyonce)
Is there a more high-profile voice in the Black Lives Matter movement than Beyonce? Queen B has been outspoken about the deaths of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and George Floyd, as well as other important issues in the black community.
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Secretary of Internet Memes (Michael Jordan)
While this one is sillier than anything, internet memes are a big part of everyday life. And there are few memes more popular than the “crying Jordan” meme. That’s why we believe his Airness has earned this title just based on embarrassment alone.
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Secretary of Social Distancing (Dave Chappelle)
We honestly don’t know what Dave Chappelle has to do with social distancing, we just think someone tough enough to make multiple networks pull his TV show from their platforms deserves a hefty title. Plus, if Chappelle told us to stand six feet apart, we’d listen.
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Secretary of the Social Media (Dionne Warwick)
This is actually a cabinet position that we’d all enjoy. Social media is out of control. We need someone to keep tabs on Twitter, Tik-Tok, Instagram, and Snapchat. This year, one of the biggest breakout stars on social media is Dionne Warwick. It all began when she asked Chance the Rapper why he needed to have the word “rapper” in his name and from there she became the hero of 2020.
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Secretary of Junk Food (Guy Fieri)
While this might not be the best choice to get anything done, we couldn’t think of a better face for American food than the frosted tipped, flame-adorned, bowling shirt-wearing, California wild card. At the very least he’d give everyone a garbage can filled with nachos.
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Secretary of Sports Bubbles (LeBron James)
He’s already starring in a Space Jam reboot, so it makes perfect sense to put James in charge of the sports world. ESPN is already obsessed with the Lakers’ star so let’s just let him control everything. If he was in charge, we’d have every sport COVID-free, playing in bubbles.
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Secretary of Streaming (Adam Sandler)
The star of Billy Madison is the king of streaming entertainment, signing a lucrative deal with Netflix. While he has dropped a few bombs, we believe the sandman could be in charge of quality control as well as inserting Rob Schneider into more movies.
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Secretary of Making Everything OK Again (Henry Winkler)
The former Happy Days star is well known as the nicest man in Hollywood. Not only is he genuinely nice, but he also has the most calming, soft-spoken voice of all time. Just listening to Winkler talk for five minutes is enough to make us feel like everything is going to be okay again.