Feature: Steve Anderson on So-Called Celebrity Wrestling, Brother



Is it fair to review a movie based on the previews? Hell, some fanboys rip on their favorite comic-book-turned-movie before the cameras even roll.

But enough about meâ¦

I give you the promo for CMTâs newest reality show, Hulk Hoganâs Celebrity Championship Wrestling. If a preview is sn*ppets of the best moments, I donât have high hopes for this show.

First, the âcelebrities❠that will appear, proving there is a list lower than âD.â

Danny Bonaduce — Former star of the Partridge Family and Breaking Bonaduce and current train wreck.

Todd Bridges — Former star of âDiffârent Strokes❠andâ¦well, thatâs about it.

Butterbean — âNever Was❠Boxer and apparent subject of a B52âs song.

Trishelle Cannatella — Billed as a âreality television star and Playboy model.❠She has helped many teen boys through puberty.

Dustin Diamond — Screech from the god-awful Saved by the Bell, canvasback in a celebrity boxing show, and wannabe porn star.

Erin Murphy — Former star of Bewitched. Wow, you canât make this stuff up.

Dennis Rodman — Yawn.

Frank Stallone — He is billed as an âactor and singer who has been in four of the six Rocky films starring his brother, Sylvester.❠Geez, donât blink.

Tiffany — Pop singer of the 80âs now in the âI Donât Care Whatever Happened To❠category.

Nikki Ziering — Another Playboy model often seen with a staple on her stomach and a strange-smelling viscous liquid on her picture.

The premise is that these âcelebs❠will be broken into two teams: Team Beefcake coached by Brutus âThe Barber and Subway Attendant❠Beefcake and Team Nasty coached by Brian âNasty Boy❠Knobs. Folks, the coaches are better known than the celebs.

The judges are Jimmy Hart (the Dick Clark of pro wrestlingâ¦man, is he well preserved), Eric Bischoff, and the Hulkster himself. Again, the âcelebs❠donât even touch these guys in the fame and notoriety department.

So, with the players in place, hereâs how I see the way people will be judged.

Backstage Politicking — Learn the âinâs and outâs❠of the Creative Control contract clause. Throw a fit. Veto an angle. Walk out when youâre not happy.

Holding a Grudge — Continue to caterwaul about how you ran the âbiggest promotion in pro wrestling❠and you didnât âsteal anything❠and you didnât âborrow any ideas.❠In other words, instead of resting upon your many accomplishments, donât take responsibility for your failures.

Carrying Luggage/Displaying Man-Love — Your career is over, so why not hang out with your more famous buddy to get some face time on a VH1 reality show.

Tanning — The password is ORANGE!

Bragging About the Future — Talk incessantly about the promotion youâre going to be setting up in the near future. The money that is behind it. The investors and the major wrestlers who will join you. Sure, it wonât happen, but its fun to pretend, isnât it?

Proper Use of the Word âBrother❠— Self-explanatory.

Okay, Iâm being hard on a show I havenât seen yet. I will give it a chance and watch it. You can count on a continuation of the sarcasm or an apology for jumping the gum. I choose the former. I donât doubt the entertainment value, but only in a âso bad its good kinda way.â

Brother.

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