Where’s Three Minute Warning When You Need ‘Em?

Justin LaBar

The RockThe “Rock concert”…Oh, wait, I get it, ROCK CONCERT! HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW! OHMIGOD, FUNNNEEEEEEE!

If I may begin again: The 20-minute overflowing port-a-john (LIKE CENA, GET IT?) that closed this week’s Raw was criminally bad, and exemplary of why wrestling blows goats and why WWE, in particular, licks taint (if I may stoop to the fifth-grade level of humor preferred by those involved).

Who the FRIG needs a 20-minute promo?

Flair never did. HBK never did. Terry Funk never did. The Rock doesn’t. Nobody should. These time-wasting spectacles are a pitiful microcosm of WWE’s creative process being one giant colon blockage. WWE can’t think of anything entertaining, so they trot out a drawing card, legit or perceived, and tell him, “Talk.”

And…”talk some more.” And…”keep on talking.” And…”little bit longer.”

Wrestling is based on ACTION. People like to see ACTION. Promos have been the lifeblood of drawing money, sure, but this goes WAY too far. Where’s Eric Bischoff with Three-Minute Warning when you need 'em?

Could The Rock’s content have been any more juvenile?

The Rock made his bones being irreverent. But this was just stupid. Mom jokes? Really? We’re going to sell WrestleMania with mom jokes? With jokes about testicles, or lack thereof? With…uh, I forget what else The Rock said. That says something. I can still recite Flair’s promo that followed the 1992 Royal Rumble word-for-word. It had WEIGHT.

This was 20 minutes of throwaway that got a decent (but hardly overwhelming) response because it pandered to the live crowd. Leave “Cleveland rocks” to Ian Hunter. Anybody hear a sound like an outboard motor? THAT’S FREDDIE MERCURY SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE. I thought Mad Magazine came to life.

If you thought that was good, you’re wrong. That’s how bad it was. So rotten it transcends opinion. Self-flagellation for an audience of one.

Good thing The Rock has star power unrelated to WWE, because that match means zilch outside of that heading into WrestleMania.

HHH vs. Undertaker determines King Bad-ass. Well-promoted. Jericho vs. Punk determines the #bestintheworld. Good hook.

What does The Rock vs. Cena determine? At this point, it’s a couple of comedians in a fake wrestling match. Abbott and Costello go to WrestleMania. They should just cut 20-minute promos. Whoever puts the least people to sleep is the winner. Don’t even bother locking up.

The Rock isn’t going to bump, much less wrestle, until Mania. So keeping his dead ass out there singing songs for 20 minutes is WWE’s way of milking him for viewers. With WCW, we had KISS. Equally irrelevant, but at least they were pros. If you hated that, you should hate this, too.

And you should hate this. I haven’t read anyone else’s review because I didn’t want my thoughts prejudiced before I put fingers to keyboard. A lot of fans, particularly younger ones, tend to rubber-stamp WWE’s greatness because garbage like this is all they know. But I really do believe the “Rock concert” ranks up there with one of wrestling’s worst moments on many levels. Wasn’t funny, didn’t intrigue, didn’t promote. The problem was mostly material, but The Rock’s performance sucked, too. He executed like a part-timer. Couldn't save it.

I still expect Mania to draw a good buyrate, because it’s an annual event that marks purchase by rote. Which will justify excrement like this week’s Raw and further convince WWE their creative process is right on target.

But I honestly feel sorry for anyone who thought that was good. I seriously believe you may be losing your mind.

Did The Rock actually crack a TELETUBBIES/VANILLA ICE JOKE? HOLY F***.

Mark Madden hosts a radio show 3-6 p.m. weekdays on WXDX-FM,Pittsburgh, PA (105.9) . Check out his web page at WXDX.com. Contact Mark by emailing wzmarkmadden@hotmail.com . FOLLOW MARK ON TWITTER: @MARKMADDENX.

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