The Wrestling Opinionalist: The Weight Game, Rankings, More

Ken Napzok

The Wrestling Opinionalist

The Weight Game

            It should come as no surprise that the WWE loves to make fat jokes. It’s a staple of their programming and a nasty by product of the lowest common denominator approach to entertainment that often comes with the industry. It seemed to reach a new low with the Piggy James fiasco, where one of the more popular and talented female workers in the business was publicly scorned, mocked, and reprimanded for “gaining weight.” (I’ll take Mickie James any day over a Twig N’ Sticks model.) It was as uncomfortable to watch as it was sad. Now certainly you can use the fat jokes as a way to make your heels into bullies and, in turn, teach the bullies a lesson. Blah, blah, blah. That’s the kool aid some in creative might want you to think, but the bottom line is… to go with fat jokes is just lazy writing.

            Case in point: Vicki Guerrero

            Vicki started appearing on WWE programming in 2005 alongside her husband Eddie. Before that she was just another long suffering Wrestling Wife who had to raise her family and run her household while Eddie made a name for himself. That is a hard task for even the best of them. They separated, but eventually reconciled just as Eddie started to turn his life around. Then, suddenly and very publicly, Vicki lost her husband. No one would have guessed then that from those beginnings, Vicki would one day be one of the biggest personalities in the company. Think about it, in all of professional wrestling right now, how many performers can get that much heat from two simple words? All she has to do is step on stage and yell “Excuse me” and she is over. The heat is on and whoever is with her immediately benefits from her presence at their side.

            Now, Vicki was a little heavier in the beginning and is not your normal Diva. Though, in truth, she was never meant to be. Over the last year or so Vicki has made it a point to get into better shape. That’s something most people need to do and something most people fail to do. Vicki didn’t just talk about it, she did it. She’s in better shape and not just for a 43 year-old mother of two. She is just simply… in good shape. ‘Nuff said. Compared to the girls… and I use that word very specifically… on the roster, Vicki might still appear heavier. But, guess what, so would a telephone pole. These girls are ridiculously thin. Have you ever stood next to a Diva or Knockout? I stood next to Winter in a hotel lobby once. She turned sideways and vanished. On TV she looks “bigger” than Angelina and Velvet combined. The camera adds weight, so when you see Vicki slinking around the ring now she is not “bigger” than the other girls… she’s just normal sized. Heck, probably even smaller than normal sized.

            So, when Vicki came out with the back to blonde Dolph Ziggler last Monday night and was once again subjected to an endless stream of fat jokes from the “babyface” announcer, it all seemed so wrong. The character of Vicki Guerrero has been successfully built up and grown over the course of five plus years. There is a lot of history to draw upon. You cannot possibly tell me that the only way you’re going to get the audience to believe in Vicki as a heel character is to make fun of her weight; especially when her weight is very much no longer an issue. (If it was at all to begin with.)

            The Vicki heel character should be disliked and booed for all the havoc she’s caused over the years. She’s the former Edge-loving Smackdown GM, head of La Familia, and the women responsible for handing the World title over to Ziggler. When Vicki steps out from the back it should be a point to focus on what she is capable for doing to the babyfaces and how her maneuverings have put many an undeserving heel on top. She should be a managerial force to be reckoned with, but, yet, here we are again. Snickering at her “weight.” The easy road. The lazy way.

            And then the Bellas started calling a pregnant woman fat and lucky to have found someone to sleep with her.

            Ooohhhh boy. Here we go again.

Rankings (That don’t really matter)

1.), job search spamsite- You’ve just gained several new members and each one of them will be listing “WWE live production–sound” on their resumes.

2.) Dolph Ziggler, Blonde- Let’s just pretend that brown hair thing never happened.

3.) ODB, the girl you take home to punch Mom- There is something very authentic about ODB. And authentic is often the big difference between roster-filler and star. Glad she’s back… because no one else makes camouflage and heels work.

4.) The guy who creates WWE theme songs- New music for Alex Riley and Jinder Mahal means someone has been working overtime in their recording studio. Great stuff. And by great stuff I mean apparently Alex Riley goes to raves and Jinder Mahal will be entering a match to the soundtrack of a Morgan Freeman-narrated documentary about Indian Elephants migrating from Punjab to Goa.

5.) Eric Young, Workhorse nutjob- When Conan O’Brien was a writer on The Simpsons it was once said that he would start goofing off around the other writers in the writer’s room. They’d think his antics were funny, but he’d keep going until it got old. Conan wouldn’t stop, though, he’d continue until it got down right annoying. Then he’d KEEP going, until all the writers would burst out laughing because it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. Seems like Eric Young’s blueprint for wrestling success.


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