In Other News, Wrestling Is Fake

Scott Hudson

As wrestling fans we have all been there. Some slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragger oozes into a conversation and opines, â<80><9c>Aw, man! That stuff ainâ<80><99>t real! They ainâ<80><99>t busted up, they use blood capsules or somethinâ<80><99>. And they fight like hell then get in the same car and drive home. My grandma saw Mario Galento and Gorilla Marconi split a Rooty Tooty at Dennyâ<80><99>s in Lithonia.â<80> Congratulations sport. Youâ<80><99>ve turned into a regular Dayle Hinman.

However, now – I must sincerely apologize. You were right all along.

The case of Hogan v. Hogan (the divorce case, not Vince McMahonâ<80><99>s wet-dream of a late-80’s Wrestlemania main event) has convinced me that wrestling is simply, fully, wonderfully – fake. In the business, there are two adages that I always thought pretty much summed things up in this area: 1) The only real marks are in the dressing room, and 2) The only thing real about wrestling is what happens in the ring. I now believe those to be true more than ever before.

From episode one of â<80><9c>Hogan Knows Best,â<80> I thought that Hulk (Ward), Linda (June), Nick (Wally) and Brooke (Beaver) were just about too cute by half. Throw in Brian Nobbs as Eddie Haskell (â<80><9c>Gee Mrs. Hogan, that sure is a low cut teddy youâ<80><99>re wearing for a Sunday morning.â<80>) and the sitcom nature of the show was exposed. All under the aegis of â<80><9c>realityâ<80> television. This was all about as real as Brooksâ<80><99> new boobs. (Hey, â<80><9c>Brookeâ<80><99>s New Boobsâ<80> sounds like a reality show in itself, but I digress.)

Now we learn that Linda Hogan has filed for divorce from The Hulkster and did so according to the script: in secret. So secret, in fact, that we are led to believe that the Immortal One only learned of the legal action when asked for a comment by a St. Petersburg Times reporter. (Cue quick cell phone hang-up due to devastating news delivered so impersonally.)

Today the news is out that the Hogans have been separated for quite some time and filmed some of last seasonâ<80><99>s shows while separated. This is â<80><9c>realityâ<80> TV? I mean, they were separated and that little nugget of information was not the main thrust of the show? It was, in fact, kept hidden or, â<80><9c>kayfabe,â<80> if you will. I guess next youâ<80><99>ll tell me that…Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Bobby Lashley….say it ainâ<80><99>t so!

Throughout this ordeal, it is hard to shake the memory of Nick Hoganâ<80><99>s car crash. You remember, he crashed his 2007 Toyota Pussymagnet and gravely injured his friend who was (right outta central casting) an Iraqi war veteran. And their first response was – to paraphrase – â<80><9c>Thank God Nick was wearing his seatbelt or he woulda ended up like whatshisname. Kids, always wear seatbelts.â<80> Heartwarming.

The cold slap in the face is this – for the cartoon that Hogan, his TV wife and TV kids have become, there is still a 22 year-old Marine named John Graziano who is in a nursing home and will require lifelong care as a result of the Wreck of the PussyMagnet (by Gordon Lightfoot). The cast of â<80><9c>Hogan Knows Bestâ<80> can keep up their facade and can continue to play their viewers like a $4 fiddle. They can boost this charade of a being a â<80><9c>normalâ<80> family dealing with â<80><9c>normalâ<80> problems while dealing with the over-arching burden of being the biggest stars in the world. Itâ<80><99>s not funny anymore.

Are we to believe that it is a coincidence that Linda Hoganâ<80><99>s divorce filing came soon after the Clearwater Police Department claimed that Nick Hogan was racing when the Pussymagnet went toes up? Or so soon after their ill-advised media opportunity allegedly proving that there was no racing involved? It would appear she could have filed for divorce at any time since early 2007. But she did not.

No one, no matter their degree of schaedenfraude, likes a divorce. However, this one seems just a bit too convenient. It was almost like there was a cast-only production meeting of â<80><9c>Hogan Knows Bestâ<80> during which the question was asked, â<80><9c>Since we are taking a real pounding on this car wreck deal, how do we divert attention and simultaneously gain sympathy.â<80> Linda: â<80><9c>Iâ<80><99>ve got it!….â<80>

Next week on â<80><9c>Brookeâ<80><99>s New Boobs,â<80> Brian Nobbs takes a test drive. Brother.

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