Reviewing the Impact Reviews


I’m sitting here in New Zealand trying to figure out what to write about. So I decide to check out some of the wrestling news on the web. I’m reading some of the Impact reviews on a few sites, and I’ve come to the summation that as long as Vince Russo is involved in the creative process, the internet writers will never give an intelligent review of the show. Seriously, i’m reading some of the criticisms and I know these guys have no clue how stupid they sound.

For starters, Chris “The self professed Authority” Schulz is still disgusted with TNA. Yawn. I see that he’s going to come up with some ideas to help the show. I’ll be waiting with bells and whistles. I think i know what they’re going to be, though. Probably some form of Ring of Honor Invasion where a bunch of 160 lb. kids that have no clue how to sell hit the ring on Kevin Nash and Sting and put them through tables while a bunch of ROH fans that drove 800 mile from up north and stood in line for five hours to get into the tapings while starting “Fire Russo” chants outside scream “This is Awesome” and “Holy Shit” at the top of their lungs. Or maybe it’ll be something like Curryman unmasks and reveals he’s Chris Daniels and challenges Samoa Joe to a ten hour iron man match at the next ppv. Either way I can’t wait.

Jeff hamlin of the had some fascinating stuff in his review. For starters, he rated a six second match between Petey Williams and Machismo as a DUD, even though the spot before the match where Petey stomped Lethal’s head in the case was worth three stars alone(ok, that was a shameless plug since I was the agent.) In his summary is where an excamation point is put on the fact that these guys just don’t get it.

To quote,”There are three types of TNA ideas: things that are good, things that feature lame stars or references from the 1990s trying to find a place to exist, and things that feature tag teams breaking up. You know who thinks up the latter two categories. Creative is supposed to be just that. Think up things that have never been done before or useful to enhance business.” Mr. Hamlin, professional wrestling is a male soap opera. Picture a soap opera where all the characters get along and stay together. Now that’s ratings. When you go to the grocery store and the magazine stand, do the mags like US, OK, and People have cover stories of all the hollywood couples that are still together after all these years? People are more interested in couples that are having problems than they are in couples that get along. Why did Terrell Owens get so much tv time? Because he got along with all of his teammates? There is no contraversy in guys that get along with each other all of the time. A soap opera is based on the premise of cliffhangers. The Dudleys have been together for years. You don’t think that there is a human interest in what’s going to hapen with their relationship on next week’s show? I’m sure their fans would like to know. That may not be your personal ideal version of wrestling, but that is a basic formula of how to write television. Present characters with a situation, and tune in next week to see how they react.

James Caldwell of said some things that I bet he wishes he could take back. First off, don’t assume that everyone that paid for the last ppv feels stupid that Joe and Kurt are going to have their rematch on free tv. Would it be a better idea to tell them to pay for the same match again, for the same price? That’s not too bright. The main problem with these guys is that they assume that fans that don’t read the internet sites are mindless morons that need everything explained to them. To quote,”Backstage: Lauren caught up with Christian and Rhino, who was sporting a Detroit Tigers jersey. No jokes on the record. Christian said he and Rhino patched everything up. Rhino started to talk, but Team 3D interrupted. OK, so instead of keeping in the moment, the camera revealed there are other cameras and they’re on a giant set. So, they basically revealed it’s a TV show to take you right out of the moment. Why on God’s green earth TNA did this is beyond me. Ray asked “Terry” what’s wrong with him and what happened to the cool dude from ECW. First ECW reference at 8:14. Man, I had second quarter hour on that one. Ray then brought out his back-up and they beat down Christian and Rhino in a complete farce of a segment with them revealing it’s all just a TV show. This was officially the worst segment of all-time.” Uh, James, two things. Number one, most fans don’t think wrestling’s real and know it’s just a tv show. Do you think the fans think that the show is produced without the use of camers? Are you serious? What do you think the fans think the show uses to get the shots? Magic? Number two, THE SHOW IS PRODUCED AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! Do you think the fans don’t know what’s in a television studio?? What, in your opinion, would a television studio consist of? I guess in your opinion television studios shouldn’t have their cameras in plain view, that they should be put in the closet when they’re not being used. Mr. Caldwell claims that this made it officially the worst segment of all time, when the reality is that his critique might be the stupidest of all time.

Mr. Caldwell always complains of the random shots of total geeks in the crowd. LOL! Is that not the pot calling the kettle black? Maybe I’m wrong, but I would doubt that fans picture internet wrestling writers wearing Ed Hardy shirts and Rock and Republic jeans hanging out in the VIP room at Pure in Las Vegas with Paris Hilton! That may be the funniest line I’ve ever written.

Wade Keller has some funny criticisms, too. He seems obsessed with the fact that he thinks the fans need to know what happens during the commercial breaks in between matches of taped shows. OK. “Here’s what happened during commercial break. Look at the agony on Robert Roode’s face as Booker T applied a rear chinlock that nearly caused him to pass out!” If SOMETHING happens during the break, then we’ll show it.

Here’s a quote:”I enjoy how they hype this as a special show because three titles are at stake, and then deliver two title changes like these two and then expect fans to still take title matches seriously. There’s all kinds of storyline justification for the way these two title changes occurred, but it doesn’t change the fact that they ultimately cheapen the stature and prestige of the belts, so it’s contradictory to then hype title matches at the start of the show as if that will make a difference.” So if Wade doesn’t like the finish, then you shouldn’t have even hyped the match? I would LOVE to see a show booked by Wade Keller. Maybe the matches should be hyped like this, “We’re having three title matches on the show tonight! One of them’s going to have a clean finish, so get your tivo’s and vcr’s ready to go!” Actually, I don’t see how the Petey spot cheapens the title at all. The whole purpose of winning the cases was specifically for a spot like the one they did. Steiner gave him the case at the beginning of the show, and he used it the first chance he got. So when they do the cases next time, everyone knows how important they are. I guess spots like that are “confusing” to people that think wrestling fans are morons, when the reality is that it’s as simple as simple can be. And I guess since he doesn’t like Super Eric, even thought he gets a great pop, than the title is cheapened when he wins? Whatever. I guess TNA should learn some lessons from ROH, and their 300 fans they get each week to watch their shows.

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