MST3K On Vince’s Million Dollar Speech

Scott Hudson


In a few years, when the WWE is in dire financial straits and there are daily internet columns offering opinions on whether or not there will be another Wrestlemania – some basement-dweller with a better-than-average working knowledge of Adobe Premiere Pro will create a you tube mash-up video of all of the stupidity that has masqueraded as WWE programing this year liberally interspersed with the footage from this weekâ<80><99>s â<80><9c>Rawâ<80> of Vince McMahon standing on stage with one million worked dollars, rubbing his thumb and forefinger, moaning is his best soon-to-be 63 year old faux hip-hop voice, â<80><9c>Its all about the mon-ay!â<80>

McMahonâ<80><99>s pandering, meandering speech Monday was not as offensive as it was just bad television and even worse branding and marketing. Letâ<80><99>s sparse these gems of the Queenâ<80><99>s English delivered by Mr. McMahon, shall we? My comments follow the exact words of fearless leader.

“Last week I said I was going to give you all of the details as to how…you can participate; how you can witness me giving away a million dollars of my own money each and every week here on â<80><9c>Rawâ<80> for as long as I like.â<80>

So you admit you were lying?

â<80><9c>This is no hoax, okay? This is the real deal.â<80>

Unlike Katie Vick and the Limo Explosion (ed.note – Band name!)

â<80><9c>So of course your next question is how can you get in on the action.â<80>

Actually our next question is why are you still pushing John Cena, Jr. and Jiggly Boobs Layfield?

â<80><9c>Its pretty easy.â<80>

As easy as Diva Search contestant? But, I digress…..

â<80><9c>All you have to do is register on, how simple is that? Simple! Thereâ<80><99>s no contest here, nothing like that, just go to and register.â<80>

And be prepared to be spammed to cyber-death with gorilla marketing campaigns hyping Boogeyman teddy bears and Jillian Hall CDâ<80><99>s.

â<80><9c>Weâ<80><99>ll ask you for your telephone number where youâ<80><99>re going to be next week during the live broadcast of â<80><9c>Raw. Weâ<80><99>ll ask you for your address, speaking of which, one stipulation is you must me a resident of the United States of America.â<80>

For the rest of you, stay tuned for Mr. McMahonâ<80><99>s one million peso give-away contest exclusively on â<80><9c>Heat!â<80>

â<80><9c>Now the question is why.â<80>

Oh, Vince, my boy, you have no idea how right you are on that one.

â<80><9c>Why would I give away, yeah! Why would I give away a million dollars in cash every week on â<80><9c>Raw?â<80>

Yeah! Why not give it away on â<80><9c>American Idolâ<80> where a LOT of people will see it?

â<80><9c>Well maybe its because Iâ<80><99>m a little eccentric.â<80>

Kinda like Britney was a little pilled up.

â<80><9c>Maybe its because Iâ<80><99>m generous.â<80>

Or maybe not.

â<80><9c>Or maybe its because I just want to attract more people to enjoy what you enjoy each and every Monday night.â<80>

Watching â<80><9c>Two And A Half Menâ<80> and â<80><9c>Bonesâ<80> repeats?!

â<80><9c>Attract more people to watch â<80><9c>Raw.â<80>

Oh. Sorry.

â<80><9c>I mean for instance, people who watched us years ago, I want to invite them back, ask them to come on back home.â<80>

Like the 9.3 million that watched â<80><9c>Rawâ<80> on June 5, 2000, giving you a 5.9 rating head-to-head against â<80><9c>Nitro?â<80> THOSE people? Theyâ<80><99>re not coming back.

â<80><9c>People who have never watched the WWE before, letâ<80><99>s get them to tune in.â<80>

All 295 million of them?! What a great idea!

â<80><9c>I think theyâ<80><99>ll like it, no question.â<80>

I have a question.

â<80><9c>Although there will be some who donâ<80><99>t. Weâ<80><99>re not everybodyâ<80><99>s cup of tea.â<80>

Or syringe of ….ah, forget it.

â<80><9c>Then again there are those individuals who would not be caught dead watching â<80><9c>Raw.â<80>

Louie Spiccoli, Rick Rude, Road Warrior Hawk, Brian Pillman, Curt Hennig, Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Bryan Adams, etc.

â<80><9c>You see they donâ<80><99>t understand that the WWE audience is a cross section of Americana.â<80>

Merriam-Webster defines Americana as â<80><9c>…materials concerning or characteristic of America, its civilization, or its culture…â<80> You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

â<80><9c>They donâ<80><99>t understand you at all. They donâ<80><99>t understand that you represent, represent every, every race, you represent every profession, every income level.

From mostly white to partly white. From convenience store clerk to convenience store night manager. From poor to damn poor!

â<80><9c>You represent Americana.â<80>

There you go again.

â<80><9c>Thatâ<80><99>s who you are. They donâ<80><99>t get it.â<80>

Oh some body doesnâ<80><99>t get it, alright.

â<80><9c>They donâ<80><99>t get that you come here on Monday nights and enjoy yourself and have a good time.â<80>

Then the show starts.

â<80><9c>They donâ<80><99>t understand that. As a matter of fact, I would like to give those snobs a little example of how much fun we have on â<80><9c>Rawâ<80> here on Monday nights. I want you to show all those posters, show all these signs, get up, cheer, boo, yell – weâ<80><99>re talking Bakersfield, California!â<80>

You don’t know me, but you don’t like me.

You say you care less how I feel.

But how many of you that sit and judge me,

Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

â<80><9c>Weâ<80><99>re talking Americana!â<80>

*sigh* Oh, boy.

â<80><9c>It pays to be a WWE fan in more ways than one. Register on dot com. Good luck everybody and next week here on â<80><9c>Raw,â<80> its all about the money!â<80>

Way to go preacher. The choir just LOVED the sermon! Wish more people had filled the pews, though. Three! Point! One! Three! Point! One! Three! Point! One!

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