Wrestling Reality: Quick Hits & Cyber Sunday


This week’s article if full of random wrestling caramel-y goodness.

– I had an awesome opportunity this past weekend that any wrestling aficionado would revel in. I got to spend the afternoon with two great wrestling personalities. I did a personal speaking engagement, and also on tap for the event were the king of wrestling journalism, the living legend Bill Apter and the original voice of ECW, Steve Deangelis. Let me tell you something, these are two top notch individuals. Truly classy, top shelf guys. It was such an immense pleasure to be able to share stories with them both.

– In my article dated 10/16, I detailed that Elite XC was an organization that was in serious jeopardy in light of the events of their most recent card on CBS. On 10/19, Elite XC bit the dust entirely. The writing was on the wall, but even I could not have imagined that the end would come a mere 3 days after my completion of the article. Honestly, this is not a loss to the MMA community…it’s a blessing that this mismanaged promotion will no longer be tainting the uneducated public’s perception of the sport. Now if Kimbo would simply refer to my article and sign with TNA, we can all stand to benefit. Unfortunately, Kimbo was paid an amazing $500,000 for his 14 seconds of embarrassment a few weeks back, so I don’t think he’s been hanging up his MMA gloves anytime soon.

– About 6 weeks back, I wrote a retrospective piece on the cast members of WWE’s Tough Enough. In that article, I called to light the fact that I was beyond shocked that “The Silverback” Ryan Reeves was dismissed from the developmentals, as he was a walking Vince McMahon wet dream. He is the absolute prototype of what Vince looks for in a wrestler. Well, look who is back! Look for Ryan to be fast tracked to television within a couple of months and to receive a huge push upon debut. If he’s buried his Wellness Policy violations in the past, he’s going to be big. Imagine Mark Jindrak, only much larger and 87 times more charismatic. In other words, don’t imagine Mark Jindrak at all…the closest comparison between the two is that they both have brown hair. You’re welcome.

– Speaking of the Wellness Policy, what in sam hell did Lance Cade do on that plane?!? They have been so irrationally high on this guy for so long, that he must have loaded up on more drugs than imaginable, taken upskirt photography of Lillian Garcia, and revealed more secrets details about Nailz’ sexual harassment by the urinal. I mean, in order for HBK’s protege to receive his immediate pink slip, this must have been a debacle of epic proportions. They have been searching for a singles push for this guy for 3 years. When I worked there was right at the time they decided to break up Cade & Murdoch the first time and have Murdoch start reviewing movies on .com (cause after all, that made sense). There was a pitch on the table for Cade to be “The Southern Gentlemen” – he was to be carried to the ring on a patio, while sipping mint juleps. Instead, he fought on HEAT for 2 years, reformed his tag team, broke up his tag team again, his tag partner was fired, he received a very sporadic quasi push, and now he’s back with his tag partner touring the indies. Mark my words, he’ll be back.

– So the WWE wants their wrestlers to be referred to as entertainers from here on in? I will be taking a policy of non-compliance on this one. It’s insulting to the athletes they have under contract and makes the entire thing sound goofy. Talk about losing your edge…for a freakin’ weak attempt at a tax break that will never, ever happen. I actually noticed the announcers working in this terminology this week…it was jarring and out of place. However, if they are going to be billed as full on entertainers, perhaps they can start a weekly variety show. Or at least bring back the Slammys! Man, what I would give for Vince to reprise “Stand Back” or for R Truth to bring back “Piledriver.” Sometimes I cry myself to sleep to Hillbilly Jim’s “Waking Up Alone.” Time to record a new album boys. How about Kozlov and Jillian doing a duet?

– I meant to mention this last week…I love how we provided the big “WZ Exclusive” that Goldust would be making his return to WWE for Cyber Sunday. The only thing is…the big exclusive was posted after this was already revealed on RAW the night before. Wow, we really beat that story to the presses…cutting edge journalism.

– What will Mick Foley reveal tonight on Impact (please note, I am writing this prior to it airing, so when I am right, I want my credit)? You heard it hear first…he will be reforming the top heel stable of 1991, Global Wrestling’s The Cartel. That’s right…Cactus Jack, Raven (Scotty Anthony), Rip Rogers, and Makhan Singh (the gimmick challenged, Mike Shaw of Bastion Booger and Friar Ferguson fame) are back together again to take on TNA. Actually, I bet that’s not actually what’s happening. Just wanted to break an exclusive story, Goldust style.

– Speaking of Golddust, I recently watched the In Your House in which Golddust made his PPV debut against Marty Jannetty. It was a great look inside the mind of Vince McMahon…you could literally see the wheels turning right before you very eyes. For the first time ever, Golddust draped his opponent over the middle ropes in order to punt him in the you know what. Vince very casually announced (yes, he was still announcing at this point), “Well, Goldust will really shatter some dreams with that maneuver.” Then, it happened…you saw that look in his eyes…a Vince light bulb moment…a 10 seconds pause….and then, “WHOA HO HO, SHATTERED DREAMS!!!!!” Lo and behold, the next night we debuted Shattered Dreams Productions and the rest is history. We watched the gimmick be conceived before our very eyes. Much like during Beyond the Mat, when Vince uttered the infamous…”HE’S GONNA PUKE!!!!” to Darren Drozdov.

– For Halloween, I plan on going as The Brian Kendrick. I have purchased my Bedazzler and have gone to work on my jacket. I have been working on effortlessly bouncing through the air, a la Mr. Kendrick. I will not be traveling alone either, for I have found my Ezekiel. Of course, on paper you may think that having a 105 pound white girl be my Ezekiel is a stretch, but she has assured me that she will go all out to bring the authenticity. And I believe her.

– So, Cyber Sunday is this Sunday. I view this as a status quo PPV. Due to the last second nature of the match making, this is not a card to be expecting drastic results. So, instead of chiming in on the match winners, let me provide you with my predictions for the winners of each vote, as I expect it to unfold.

Undertaker vs Big Show – I expect a Last Man Standing Match. The obvious choice would be the KO Match, but since that finish went over like a ton of bricks at last month’s PPV, I think fans will angle for the most exciting, hardcore option.

Shelton Benjamin will defend the title against…R Truth. This is the easiest selection by a mile. MVP and Festus? Where in the world did they come up with Festus as an option? Really? Festus?

Kane vs Mysterio – No Holds Barred. They won’t double up on Falls Count Anywhere, but in essence…is there any difference between these two gimmicks? Why is 2 out of 3 falls even on this list? I am just imagine the voters turning out in droves to make sure this one ends up as a 2/3 falls match…NOT!

Good Ole Trippy H will defend against…both Hardy and Kozlov. Easy. Does Kozlov’s push remind anyone else of Ludwig Borga’s? Cause it certainly does to me.

Batista vs Jericho…will be reffed by Stone Cold for certain. Why? No clue. Why they waste one of his very minimal appearances each year on Cyber Sunday is beyond me…but they’ll force him in there. It truly won’t even make sense…HBK makes far and away the best choice, which is clearly why he won’t win…logic be damned!

Santino will defend against The Honkytonky Man. I LOVE Santino Marella. He is sports entertainment done right….the true high point of current WWE programming. I can’t help but laugh every time he refers to Rodney the Piper. He is a stud. But with the Honk-a-meter a mere 50-something weeks away from reaching completion, how can Honkytonk not be the choice here? Kudos to the individual in WWE’s multimedia division who decided that in order to vote for him, you’d have to text HONKY. Nothing like texting racist terminology. In order to vote for Piper, you have to text CRACKER.

Matt Hardy will defend against…Evan Bourne. I’m predicting an upset here. Finlay truly doesn’t even need to bother lacing up his boots…it’s not happening. But contrary to the story they have force fed us, nobody wants to see Hardy fight Henry again. Nobody likes either of them. At least Bourne is different and offers the potential for an action packed battle.

The tag team match the fans will select is…Miz & Morrison vs Cryme Tyme. Mickie, Noble, Regal, and Layla can join Finlay in the “don’t even bother showing up” category. In my opinion this is an indictment of the recent handling of our Tag Team Champions and former Heavyweight Champion & IC Champion more than anything. The fact that this match won’t win shows how lost in the shuffle these 4 are currently. Anyone notice…when Punk was champ ratings = up…since he has no longer been champ…ratings = down.

The Divas Halloween Costume Contest – Without seeing the costumes, this is a tad tricky, but I’ll go with Maria to win this one. My logic is…she’s hot.

– I’m working on an idea to bring the Wrestlezone readers into the fold and run the biggest interactive tourney in wrestling website history. I have received amazing feedback to my articles on The Greatest Finishers of All-Time, The Greatest Theme Songs of All-Time, and The Worst Gimmicks of All-Time…in turn, I want to bring you, the readers, to the forefront of my next mega tournament. We’ve already made these columns some of the biggest in the history of the site, but what I have in store is going to blow them to smithereens. Stay tuned for details.

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