Wrestling Reality: This Boring Week In Wrestling


Wrestling has really been kinda lame this week. No big matches, no great storylines, no controversy….just kinda blah. If last week’s column was chock-full of nougat-y treats, then this week’s is like a box of raisins. Not nearly as fun or delicious. But don’t shoot the writer…shoot the wrestling companies for being boring. I had intended to write about ROH, but I thought I’d spare you all the 4th column on that topic this week. So instead, I will explore the uneventful week that was and that is in the world of professional wrestling.

– This week we met the fully formed Main Event Mafia. On the one hand, I’m more interested in this angle than I have been in anything else TNA has done in a while. But on the other hand, why does this all seem oh so very familiar? Oh yeah, because we’ve seen this angle so many times before it’s unreal. Most recently we saw the Originals vs The New Breed in ECW. Perhaps most notably, we will remember that Vince Russo and friends already tackled this premise in the dying days of WCW. Remember, the program that was going to give the big rub to youngsters like Kidman & Vampiro? Sure bolstered their careers, didn’t it? Well, here we are – deja vu all over again. And, this has to be the oldest stable ever assembled in professional wrestling. Kurt Angle…turning 40 next month, Booker T…43, Scott Steiner…46, Kevin Nash…49, Sting…49. That is an average age of over 45 years old. Wow. Isn’t TNA supposed to be the young, hip, energetic alternative to WWE? Also, I question the selections of who is on the young guns side. Why isn’t Matt Morgan with Joe & AJ? Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, etc. will never be major superstars, whereas Morgan could get really elevated by this with a few big confrontations and PPV wins.

– A cast member from I Love New York season 2, David “Punk” Otunga, is now down in FCW training for the WWE. Is this guy for real? On the TV show, his entire schtick was that he was NOT a fame whore like the others guys in the house…he was a Harvard graduate and a lawyer. And now less than a year after he was so madly in love with Tiffany “New York” Pollard, he’s marrying Jennifer Hudson, seemingly not practicing law, and becoming a pro wrestler. Yeah, he’s definitely not in it for the fame. I hope Dusty gives him a Bionic Elbow and forces him to lick his stomach growth.

– Hmm, I think my neighbors are frying up some chicken cutlets…they smell good. On second thought, it may be some stir fry. I’m hungry.

– I was saddened this week to hear of the passing of Conrad Efraim, better known to wrestling fans as S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Probably best known for his then record 9 second defeat at the hands of King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania 1, S.D. had a long run as both an NWA and WWF talent. I was always a fan of his and I am the proud owner of his LJN action figure. In fact, he is the only reason that I know where Antigua in the West Indies is. He will be missed.

– I hate John Cena.

– I really wish the Survivor Series would go back to it’s old school format of all elimination matches. Why not keep it different than all of the rest of the monthly PPVs? Bare minimum at least have 4 elimination matches…a RAW only match, a SD only match, an ECW only match, and an inter-brand match. I can’t be the only one who longs for the days when feuds had their big blowoff at Survivor Series. I miss the days when we’d see The Deadmen (The Undertaker, Jimmy Wang Yang, and Jesse & Festus) go against The Big Shows (Big Show, Chavo, Bam, and The Brian Kendrick).

– Does The Boogeyman dress up as a regular guy for his Halloween costume? Like, does he put on a suit and part his hair to the side?

– Speaking of which, how does Mickie James keep winning these Halloween costume competitions? I think she is one of the least attractive divas on the entire roster. Which is not to say she’s bad by any means, it’s simply to say that several of the other ones are just very, very hot. Personally, I think Victoria’s a”peel”ing banana should have won…the viewers just have no taste. Pun intended.

– Have you ever given thought to what your finisher would be if you were a pro wrestler? Although I’d undoubtedly be a high flyer, I think I’d want to use Bob Backlund’s crossface chicken wing. Runners up include a dragon sleeper/camel clutch combo and a Top Rope Sitdown Splash.

– So far I have not enjoyed Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Wrestling…not at all. Not one bit. It’s like a batty hybrid of The Surreal Life, Tough Enough, and an episode of Nitro. I think perhaps the most interesting about the entire show is that Jimmy Hart looks exactly the same at age 64, as he did at age 30. Unfortunately, the show almost plays like a backyard BBQ at the Bollea house, with Hulk simply giving work to his good time buddies. The caliber of the in ring action has been dreadful, as has been the reality-based dramatic aspects. And the casting was pretty damn bad. I personally know a ton of people who made inquiries and were declined…and for who? A mother of 6, who appeared on Bewitched 40 years ago? With those type of choices in mind, here’s who I’d like to see if there’s a season 2…

Charlotte Rae (the 82 year old, Mrs. Garrett from “The Facts of Life”), John Wayne Bobbitt (of castration fame), Jeff Gillooly (of Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan fame), Joe the Plumber, Condoleezza Rice, Maddux Jolie-Pitt, Boner from “Growing Pains,” Elroy Jetson, Spud McKenzie’s child, and Judge Lance Ito. Now THAT would be a cast.

– Election Day is just about upon us. If Vince McMahon, The Rock, and Hulk Hogan all ran for president…who would get the most votes? What if Kevin Dunn (with VP Pat Patterson) ran against John Laurinaitis (with VP Howard Finkel)? Sure, the Dunn/Patterson ticket has way more backstage esteem than “Ace,” but would Finkel’s popularity alone be enough for them to pull down the win?

Well, that’s that. I told you it was a boring week in wrestling. Here’s hoping next week brings us some more excitement. Also, next week I’m hoping to have huge details on the mega tournament that I’m planning to host for all of you Wrestlezone fans. We are going to have a lot of fun creating one of the biggest debates and lists in wrestling history.

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