Complaining 101: A Wrestling Industry Bitchfest

Eric Stein

What would the world of wrestling be without us Internet folks trashing anything and everything in sight? Let me show you how it’s done…

Like any good bitter wrestling fan, I love to complain.  So I thought it’d be fun to write down a whole bunch of my recent world of wrestling complaints.  It is cathartic to vent.  So without further fanfare, I’m going to get right to ripping everyone and everything humanly possible!

– Wouldn’t you think that wrestling historian extraordinaire John Cena could give his finisher a name that wasn’t already used in professional wrestling?  Are they for real?  Lex Luger’s piledriver was the attitude adjustment.  Come on people, you can do a little better than that.  

– Here’s one that should really ruffle a few people’s feathers, haha.  So, I worked for WWE creative.  And while I was there, I still trolled the wrestling sites to see what people were saying about the product.  Well, guess what.  A TON of what is reported in the wrestling rags is completely and utterly false, inaccurate, and entirely fabricated.  I would read things about backstage dynamics, upcoming storylines, etc. and I’d laugh my butt off because it was so far from the truth.  I distinctly remember one of the 7 million rounds of "Sid is returning" reports going on while I was there.  It was entirely made up.  Yet, even knowing this, I still read them faithfully to this day and suspend disbelief as if everything I am reading is true.  It’s kinda like watching reality TV (something else I know a lot about)…in order to enjoy it you just need to enjoy the edited story and not try to worry yourself with things like the facts. 
– Why in the F is CM Punk in Money in the Bank?  First of all, nobody wants to see the same participants every single year.  More importantly though, shouldn’t the IC title be defended at WM?  It drives me insane that they went through the theatrics of having a #1 contender’s tournament when they wanted to promote a DVD, but now they can’t even have a freakin’ title defense at the biggest show of the year.  Also, he seems to be a bit of a liar, haha.  I have seen a slew of different things with CM lately and he can’t quite seem to keep his story straight about what the CM stands for.  Chicago Made.  Cookie Monster.  (fill in your own lewd C___ M___ here).  If you’re gonna make things up, at least take the time to be consistent.
– Enough with Jamie Noble.  He has been doing the same run his mouth then get beat up storyline for 3 years already.  We get it.  Man, it must be nice having friends in high places.
– Not sure I understand why anyone is responding favorably to Jericho’s current storyline.  For one thing, it’s about the least original storyline in all of wrestling.  Been done to death.  Hell, it was even Randy Orton’s gimmick for several years.  Do they expect that we were conked on the head and just forgot that?  Also Chris is 38 years old…so he’s not exactly the young upstart to be opposing the legends.  This should have been aborted the minute Rourke backed out.
– Why is TNA running the same "in-fighting" storyline with the Kongtourage and The Mafia?  I don’t grasp what happens at these meetings.  "You know what would be great…we’ll do the exact same storyline twice at the same time with two separate stables!!!"
– I think they are doing a DREADFUL job with Hardy vs Hardy and would have been better off just going with Christian.  While Christian and Swagger worked a great match this week, where is there to go from here?  He came in, fought the champ 3 weeks running, and even once he gets the belt..then what?  Feud with Mark Henry?  Wonder if he’s regretting not being in the Main Event Mafia right now?  The fact is that just because the internet spoiled that potential storyline does not mean they should have altered it.
– Will Dolph Ziggler’s role ever evolve past introducing himself to people?  I vote no.  Great gimmick.  And good thing they resigned Golddust for the 700th time…he is a vital part of the program.  There are so many guys on the roster that are currently so lost in the shuffle it’s unreal.  There’s about 4 guys who get TV time.  What a waste.
– Are you sitting down?  Before you faint…here comes a compliment.  I love the work Tyson Kidd has done thus far and a newly toned up Natalya is looking good as his companion.  It is the rare union that just came together well right off the get go.  However, I hate how they introduce guys on Smackdown and ECW….ya know, the squash matches over the same 5 guys, the undefeated streaks, then the lost in the shuffle and disappear off TV.  How about a good old fashioned feud?  Oh dammit, I was supposed to be giving a compliment here…last didn’t last long.  Let me try that again.
– Okay, so I need a full on compliment.  Got one!  I’m pumped for the Legends of Wrestlemania video game!  I love nostalgia and everything I’ve seen looks rather nifty.  Plus, it has JYD and Koko…it’s like a dream come true.  
– I’d hate to end this column on a positive note, so let’s go with one final insult.  Hmm, who will the luck target be?  Let’s go with Wrestlemania booking as our winner!  Ding ding ding.  This is almost too easy of a target.  The fact that we are a month out and don’t have a single announced match for the card is ridiculous.  I really long for the days that there was actual build up to the biggest show of the year.  God forbid there was a feud for 6 months or even 3 months or even since the Rumble.  Why are we supposed to care about matches that are thrown together as if it was any other monthly PPV?  The main events are going to be retreads of feuds we’ve seen a zillion times and the rest of the card is going to be one big who cares after the other.  It’s freakin’ Wrestlemania 25…it should have a special feel.  Instead, it feels especially rushed and potentially a huge bust.  They could at least book us The Blu Brothers against Head Cheese or something good.

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