If The Do-Rag Don’t Fit, You Must Acquit

Mark Madden



“Now, I’m not saying he should have killed her – but I understand.” – Chris Rock comments on OJ Simpson murdering his ex-wife.


“I could have turned everything into a crime scene like OJ, cutting everyone’s throat. You live half-a-mile from the 20,000 square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife…I totally understand OJ. I get it.” – Hulk Hogan makes himself a future lead suspect.


Hulk Hogan’s comments to Rolling Stone about his wife banging “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior” were absolutely vintage.


As Bruce Mitchell, pro wrestling’s only real journalist, pointed out, Hogan obviously heard Rock do his “but I understand” routine recently, then plagiarized it for his own use, much like I’m doing to Mitchell RIGHT NOW.


But Rock’s comments were part of a comedy act. Rock isn’t in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce. Hogan is. Unless you understand Hulk’s propensity to spew mindless word-drool for the sake of getting attention, you might take him seriously, If anything EVER happens to Hulk’s ex, he’ll need to have a better alibi than OJ.


Anyway, Hulk would be a lousy murderer. He’d want to cut promos afterward. He’d get caught because he’d want the publicity too bad.


“Well, you know, dudes, when I grabbed my wife by her silicone breasts, gigantic hooters that I paid for, brother…when I threw her down on the bedroom floor and slashed her throat from ear to ear, I could feel the energy of all the little Hulkamaniacs rush through my body. And when the blood started flowing…and the life oozed out of that cradle-robbing whore I used to be married to…and then I grabbed that 19-year-old kid that was throwing his hot dog down my wife’s hallway, brother…and I gave him the big boot to the face and the leg drop, dude. He’s dead just like that big, stinky, nasty Andre the Giant. Whatcha gonna do, adulterous sinners…when the largest arms in the world stick a machete in YOU?!?!?! (snort)”




WWE owner Vince McMahon has weaseled/bullied his way into kid-glove treatment from many legitimate media outlets, but pulled a real coup when he got ESPN to present a balanced picture of his company, both on TV and at ESPN.com. E:60 host Jeremy Schaap and dot-com author Shaun Assael used their respective platforms to tell both sides of the WWE story, and Vince came off fairly sympathetic if a bit wacky.


What’s wrong with that, you might wonder?


There just aren’t two sides to the WWE story. A balanced picture is inaccurate. WWE is a steroid factory, now as then. Its wellness policy has holes Stone Cold Steve Austin could drive a beer truck through. Recent employees, like Test, are still dying. Only the occasional sacrificial lamb tests red. You’re telling me Triple H and Batista are clean? What about the boss?


The pieces reflect poorly on Assael, a long-time wrestling scribe who surely knows better, and ESPN.


But then, ESPN got out of the news business a long time ago. ESPN is more about making billions with broadcast partnerships than it is about making chump change by breaking news. It isn’t just newspapers that are dying. Journalism is dying. ESPN’s “coverage” of WWE is just another nail in the coffin.


Would it surprise anyone if Smackdown left the declasse myNetwork for prestigious ESPN someday? Perhaps seeds are being sown for another lucrative broadcast partnership. Maybe McMahon will have Chris Berman replace Jim Ross.

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