The Biz: How I Know I’m a Wrestling Fan

Nick Perkins


I had a dream last night about WWE. This wasn’t a first time occurrence either, as I have had some pretty amazing dreams about my favorite form of entertainment over the years. This wasn’t a “typical” dream- I wasn’t even in it! I just remember that it was some kind of storyline and I woke up and was severely bummed that it didn’t actually happen. Wes Craven used to write his movies after having nightmares. Maybe WWE should hire me to write storylines based on my dreams. They couldn’t be any worse than Pat Patterson in an evening gown match right?
Is dreaming about WWE weird? Perhaps it is, but it got me thinking. I must be a pretty big wrestling fan if I’m actually having dreams about it. So I started to think about what other signs I’m showing that display my love for professional wrestling. Henceforth, (which is just an awesome word, so I try to use it whenever possible) in the spirit of my friend James Guttman of, I’ve compiled a list of the telltale signs that I’m a wrestling fan. They are, in no particular order:
1. Every single time I go to Wal-Mart, I go first to the magazine aisle to see if a new wrestling periodical has graced the shelves, and then to the toy aisle to look at the wrestling action figures. Now, I haven’t actually bought a wrestling action figure in ages, but that’s mostly because my Wal-Mart sells crappy ones. They’re actually still selling the Basham Brothers set.
2. Speaking of wrestling figures, a few months ago I actually dragged a friend of mine to a Toys ‘R Us in Denver, Colorado. We were there for a Nuggets game and actually went to a bar after the game, but before all of that, I stood in awe of the sheer multitude of amazing wrestling paraphernalia. It was like I became a 12-year-old boy again. I bought the Hell In A Cell playset purely for nostalgia, and I swear I have NEVER…EVER… set it up (which takes freakin’ hours), located my Mankind and Undertaker, and recreated their famous battle. Nope. Didn’t do it.
3. I have thought about marrying my boss’ daughter to get a promotion at my job. The only problem? She’s four years old.
4. One time, when I thought no one was looking, I took a swig out of my bottled water and spit it out. Turns out I should have looked twice because my girlfriend looked at me with vengeance in her eyes as she dried off.
5. As I was typing the word vengeance, I immediately thought of the PPV.
6. I’ve never been in a real fight, but I’ve practiced Sweet Chin Music to the air, just in case.
7. Sometimes when I get out of the shower, I’ll look at myself in the mirror and do the Hulk Hogan poses.
8. When I’m legitimately upset with somebody, I’ll give them the crotch-chop.
9. I was painting my house a few weeks ago, and I had to stand on a ladder to reach what I needed to paint. My dad was holding the ladder for me and for just a second I thought about jumping off and kicking the son of a B in the face. I didn’t.
10. I have dreams about WWE.
Well there you have it- sufficient enough examples to prove that I am, in fact, a wrestling geek. I will wear that badge proudly and I challenge you to do the same. If you have examples of your wrestling “nerdhood” (totally made that word up), you are more than welcome to email me at If they make me laugh or nod my head in agreement, I’ll post them here next week.
On a side note, proudly welcomes Justin LaBar, Christopher Mariscal, and Anthony Mango (not to be confused with Anthony Grapefruit…bahahaha oh how I slay myself) to the world of column writing. All three have great debut articles, which you can check out by clicking here. If you’re like me, you love to read the opinions of other fans, and these three have very interesting, very poignant opinions indeed. That’s it for me folks. In case you forgot, I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

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