Manamorphosis: ‘Summer Penis’ Is A Real Thing, Guys

Photo: Alan Powdrill [Getty Images]

Did you know that your penis gets bigger in the summer? Well, according to journalist and summer penis sleuth Tracy Moore, this phenomenon is a reality. She covered the story for MEL magazine where she used evidence from across the web to deduce changes in size that, “thanks to heat and warmth, gives you a months-long leg-up on shaft size.”

And urologists Moore spoke with backed up her claim saying warmer temperatures would cause blood vessels to grow and extract, making your frank and beans situation appear visibly bigger to the human eye. Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, a urologist with Orlando Health said “When it’s hot outside, you may take in more water, which may in combination with the sweating make it appear like your body or skin is bloated. And that may give you the perception that things are larger.”

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And what better way to celebrate your summer penis than actually buying new underwear to accommodate your…self growth? Before I roll into the products, I think it’s important to explain, as a woman, how nice it is when men take care of themselves. When I am about to be intimate with a man and he’s wearing underwear that look like he’s had them since the Revolutionary War, I am crazy grossed out and rightfully so. If you want to be intimate with me (or any person really), you should take care of your privates and the first way to indicate you’re doing that is by wearing newish, clean underwear. Yes. Seriously. I am telling you this because some guys don’t seem to get it.

Take pride in your summer penis by dressing it up in something respectable. I’ve always noticed that men with good self care routines wear nice undergarments like this 3-pack of Calvin Klein Boxer Briefs. Not only do they have a 4.5 star rating on Amazon, they come in a variety of colors, giving you an opportunity to mix, match and show off the goods. Reviews on Amazon laud these as the perfect, everyday underwear for the man-on-the-go with some summer growth to expose (responsible and only with consent).

Photo: CSA Images/Archive [Getty Images]

In the case that you’re a briefs kinda guy but don’t want to fall back on the tired old look of basic white (please don’t they are not sexy), Emporio Armani sells a 3-pack of incredible underwear that can take your summer penis to the next level. They’re 100% cotton but hold up over repeated use so they don’t dissolve into a sort of oddly shaped short situation like the basic white brief. The color selection can’t be beat either, they come in variety packs that mix and match colors, as well as, matching colors of, black, white and blue. All in all, the look is modern, stylish and classic enough that it will last for summers to come.

For those of you gentlemen with a little junk in your trunk who also need to accommodate the gigantuous prosperity that is your summer penis, try Kronis Low Rise Trunks. Kronis’ is perfect for a hulking bear of a man who likes his body and wants to show it off. The mini leg is shorter than boxer briefs but longer than briefs, providing slight modesty, if you’re into that sort of thing. Plus, the waistband is comfortable, they don’t ride up and are made with 95% cotton, which will withstand scorching temperatures without giving you a crazy case of swampass.

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Speaking of being hot, if you’re looking for a pair of underwear that can withstand the worst conditions (you know what I mean) ExOfficio Men’s Give-N-Go Boxers are exactly what you’re looking for. I can’t even say it better than this reviewer did, “My family sent me my a pair of these while I was in Afghanistan. They don’t stick to your legs or ride up when you’re sweating and on the move. They don’t stink of you are unable to shower for a few days. Best boxers I’ve ever owned.” Best. Boxers. Ever. Your summer penis deserves this.

Finally the tighty whitey. Obviously, I am not a fan of the basic white brief and I never will be. However, if it’s your preference, just know that nothing is grosser than seeing a man in old man chonies that are three shades darker than the white they started at. But if this is still your preference, Fruit of the Loom Basic White Briefs are super affordable at $11.99 for a 7-pack. This is cheap enough that you should at least purchase a new pack of them every six months. At least.

Regardless if you’re a boxers, briefs or boxer briefs sort of guy, the nicest thing you can do for yourself, let alone the people you’ll potentially be exposing your summer penis to is buying and wearing new undies. Now go forward and buy new drawers!