The Very Delicate Art Of Handling Your Loved One’s Neck
Photo: KatarzynaBialasiewicz (Getty)
Here we go again, talking about sex like we know something about it. Today’s topic: choking. It’s a very delicate subject and should be handled with extreme care, much the same way you should be handling your loved one’s neck.
Choking during sex, also referred to as edgeplay, is the not-so-commonly-performed art of depriving another naked person’s brain of oxygen and restricting blood flow in order to create a euphoric, otherworldly, mind-blowing ultra orgasm. Just to be clear, this is not a suggestion, but more of a ‘if you’re going to be nuts enough to do it, then do it right’ kind of lecture.
For those of you who, perhaps, watch too much porn and salt your food too much, choking during sex is just another extreme needed to get you there. Our suggestion: Take some time off, lay off the porn and salt and get yourself hydrated, then come back and have normal sex like the rest of us and continue on with a safe, boring existence. Otherwise, strap in and strap on as we give you some tips to keep it safe and enjoyable for everyone involved.
Always get consent, talk strategy first and no new friends.
First off, never do it with a stranger or someone you don’t trust with your life (or your dog’s). Booze and drugs don’t exactly mesh well when it comes to hand coordination or general cognizance. One or all of you should be CPR certified, and nobody should be certifiable. And yes, I said “all,” as this might as well be an orgy at this point. Two birds, one bone. Seriously though, no new friends.
If you don’t have a clue, don’t even start.
Place your hands on the side of the neck, which gives both the physical touch and sensation of being choked, but never (we repeat, never) obstruct the trachea and put too much pressure in the middle of the neck. That can cause other problems. If you talked about it and still aren’t sure what’s going on, be aware enough to admit that and offer up a back scratch as a consolation prize. They’re fantastic gifts.
Establish a safe word and hand gestures (maybe a few).
But have it be a smart one, not something that can be commonly misinterpreted. Examples include “keep going,” “don’t stop” and “yeah, baby yeah.” Hand gestures help, too, especially if things escalate quickly and words are tough with your windpipe obstructed. Again, choose wisely, as slapping on the ass can easily be misconstrued. Try three taps on the leg or a kick in the nuts.
Never go full-choke.
You never go full choke! Less than one-third of surveyed women say they want the full-choke experience. Just lightly put some hands on and say supportive, nurturing things in their ear. Again, don’t obstruct the breathing for too long and keep thumbs off the trachea. You don’t want to become a mute, do you?
Error on the safe side (Diet Choke).
If you’re not sure how hard is too hard, don’t start experimenting. Keep it light. If they say “harder,” add like five percent. Not 50. It’s always safe to be incremental and error on the side of safe so everyone can go to sleep but wake up again. Let’s call this move: Diet Choke.
If they turn blue, that’s your cue.
Blue is not the desired color, nor is any shade of grey. That’s pretty self-explanatory. So stay away from that.
Keep it infrequent or fantasy, then grow old and die ironically.
Overall, choking should be a rarity. Building a tolerance for it will only make regular sex unfruitful. And too much of a good thing and other weak platitudes tell us that choking should be more like a full super blood moon eclipse, only seen once in a lifetime. You want to live long enough to grow old, then die ironically by choking on water from a plastic bottle in a tragically public place. That’s what you get for using single-use plastics, you jerk.
Hopefully, we’ve been of some help. Be safe!