Drake’s New Whiskey Gets You F*cked Right Up: A Review
Photo: Leon Bennett (Getty)
Fortunately, as a member of the media, I was graciously given a bottle to review and it arrived just a few days before the party, so I didn’t have to spend the retail price of $34.99 on this very beautiful bottle.
Though I’m not qualified in the slightest (aside from the fact that I once wrote for Wiser’s and Glenfiddich), I wanted to give Drake’s whiskey — the newest addition a long line of hip-hop stars who’ve introduced their own alcohol brands including Jay Z, P. Diddy and 50 Cent
— an honest shot. Literally.
My first taste of the golden liquid was at the party, when my fiancee and I announced our wedding party to our closest friends. To toast to our future nuptials, I poured 12 shots of Drake’s fine whiskey for the gang, which we all took in unison.
Taking a studied glance at the reactions of my groomsmen, I immediately noticed faces of disgust, as if they’d just watched something horrible occur, like an innocent pig being ceremoniously slaughtered right there in front of us.
“It tastes like Canadian Club,” one of my buddies described, placing the shot glass down in disappointment. (For non-Canadians, Canadian Club is a cheap, wretched whiskey commonly served at open bar weddings.)
I had to agree with him, the whiskey indeed taste like Canadian Club, an alcohol Drake has written about in a recent hit (For Free with DJ Khaled), so it is a possibility that this was his intention.
The maid of honor’s boyfriend arrives, who is a HUGE Drake fan. Like, fanatical. After informing him of the whiskey’s presence in our kitchen, he excitedly asked if he can try some. Of course, I obliged, joining him.
Again. A look of utter disappointment, except this one delivered a much deeper impact. Being such a fan, it was as if he’d heard Drake doesn’t write his own lyrics (allegedly).
8:00 PM – 9:00 PM
Beer pong and flip cup is being played feverishly in the back room. The party has officially commenced and the guests are sufficiently buzzed. Another shot of Virginia Black is taken by fewer than 25% of our guests, who vehemently refused another shot of the liquid disappointment.
9:30 PM – 10:30 PM
Everybody’s pretty fucked up at this point. Nobody had been to a house party in a while, so we all got a little too eager to party. The house is blaring Drake’s Views album, undoubtedly pissing of our retired neighbors. We were still playing drinking games despite the goal of drinking games (to get drunk) having already been very much achieved. Regardless, more shots are shared.
At this point, I’m pretty messed up. So I discretely made my way to the upstairs bathroom, where I began to violently puke into the toilet.
Once I’d reached bile, me, seeing double, even triple at times, had the bright idea to sit in the shower, and continue to puke down the drain.
Noting my absence, my fiancee begins looking for me. Knowing I tend to head for bed when I’ve indulged in too much alcohol, she came upstairs and heard the shower behind a locked door.
After begging me to open the door, I finally manage to drag my ass out of the shower and let her in, returning rather ungracefully to the tub completely naked. My fiancee tries to talk me into returning to the party. “FUUUCK that,” I slurred in response.
Since my fiancee left the door unlocked, our wedding party paraded into the bathroom to have a laugh at my expense and capture the occasional photo. Here’s one.
12:30 AM – Onward
NOT A FUCKING CLUE.
9:00 AM (The next day)
I get a few texts checking in on me. And actually, I don’t feel half bad considering I spent the majority of the night in a bathtub full of vomit.
The photo of me in the tub is posted in a Facebook conversation with my groomsmen. In addition to this, a friend of mine all hopped up on Drake’s whiskey informs us that last night he decided to run home, ate shit and messed his hand up pretty bad. Then he posted a picture.
My fiancee gets a phone call from a bridesmaid asking if we knew where her boyfriend went and if he had crashed at our place.
The bridesmaid informs us he was arrested for public intoxication while walking to her house.
So there you have it, folks. The first and last time I will ever drink Drake’s whiskey.