Taylor Swift Won Her Ass-Grabbing Lawsuit, Asked For $1.00

Taylor Swift

You can read Taylor Swift’s brutal/hilariously passive aggressive testimony at her ass-grabbing trial, or you can skip it and just know that’s probably why she won.

After nearly four hours of deliberation, a jury ruled in favor of pop star Taylor Swift in her countersuit against former radio host David Mueller for alleged assault and battery. Swift accused Mueller of groping her at a meet-and-greet event in June 2013. He will be required to pay $1 in damages to Swift….In a statement, Swift thanked the judge and her legal team for “fighting for me and anyone who feels silenced by a sexual assault.” “I acknowledge the privilege that I benefit from in life, in society and in my ability to shoulder the enormous cost of defending myself in a trial like this,” Swift added in the statement, obtained by CNN. “My hope is to help those whose voices should also be heard. Therefore, I will be making donations in the near future to multiple organizations that help sexual assault victims defend themselves.”

It’s been a really bad week for white dudes. They’ve taken so many L’s it’s hard to keep up. Like, Taylor Swift countersued this dude who stuck his whole hand up her ass, not for monetary damages, but just to savagely humiliate him in front of everybody for putting her through emotional hell. She’s probably gonna light some incense with that dollar he’s gotta pay her even though that dollar is figuratively priceless. Respect. I really want to grab her ass now if she says it’s okay.