Ariana Grande Is An Assault On Donut Liberty

As you already know, Ariana Grande walked into Wolfee Donuts on the night of July 4th and licked some donuts. She also screamed , “I hate Americans! I hate America!”. People got upset about that, because in America, you’re supposed to be proud of something you had nothing to do with. Namely, your parents having unprotected sex then being in the United States at the time of your birth. If you don’t take pride in that, you can just go back wherever the hell you came from, commie! Problem is, Ariana Grande came from Boca Raton, Florida, not an ISIS camp like some your Facebook friends fear. Whatever, Todd! Why do you think so many Latin Americans want to come here?! I don’t know, maybe because Mexico isn’t on the border of Norway or Finland? My guess is proximity. Anyway, while we were feigning outrage over somebody insulting America’s dick size, the true victim in this case has suffered yet another indignity.

Cops have teamed up with public health officials to investigate the incident, the Associated Press reports. Grande herself is not being investigated, but rather Wolfee Donuts, the donut shop where the incident occurred.  Health officials are looking into why the donuts were left exposed and whether the shop has a history of leaving food out. California health laws require restaurants to keep food protected from the public. Luckily for the shop, authorities found no further issues with the shop when they visited Wednesday.  “During the investigation, the manager did state they normally don’t leave donuts out like was shown in the video,” Dottie Ellis-Merki, a spokeswoman for the Riverside County Department of Environment, told the AP. “The employee went to the back to retrieve freshly made donuts by request of the customer and left the trays out while getting other trays.”

Look, if the donut was sentient, I’m sure it would have no problem with Ariana Grande licking it. Thomas Jefferson didn’t write the Bible so some activist politician could not allow you to not lick powdered donuts when you see powdered donuts prominently displayed on a counter. I’m just glad that somewhere right now that somebody in Texas is at an Army recruiter’s office because of this video.