Taylor Swift Is Texting Leonardo DiCaprio “Non-Stop”

Apparently Taylor Swift doesn’t enjoy scissoring as much as I hoped, because she’s supposedly texting  Leonardo DiCaprio non-stop. And she’s probably sending him pics of the wrong kind of kitties. Oh, Taylor.

Despite a recent drop in model percentage at the party that is Leonardo DiCaprio’s life, the cargo-shorted film star has been enjoying endless summer for years now, answering to no one but his own beard. Taylor Swift, who sang a song at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show one time but is not a model, is reportedly prepared to destroy all of that. The National Enquirer claims that Tayla has picked Leo as her “next conquest,” going so far as to have her manager arrange an interview with him so she can “put him to the test.” The boyfriend test. According to the Enquirer, Tay has been texting Leo, or someone she believes to be Leo, “non-stop.” Leo will be her next boyfriend, and they will watch Titanic together every night with her cats and she will never let go, reportedly.

Look, I would bang Taylor Swift retarded, but I really haven’t spent most of my adult life picking things out of the Victoria’s Secret catalog that weren’t for sale. If Leonardo wanted to bang a hot 25-year old, he could drive his yacht to the source. South Africa or Brazil, not Lena Dunham’s book club ans artisanal cheese parties.