Kim Kardashian Thinks Pregnancy Was God Punishing Her

When the only choice you have to not be the brown dog that follows around Paris Hilton is to star and broker the release of your own sex tape, then star in a show about your vapid and superficial family, then make millions off the backs of Chinese child laborers, then get married three times, people would assume God loves you, because this is America and God blesses American winners. Turns out Kim Kardashian has a deep relationship with God, and he got her pregnant to punish her for being too hot.

I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy,” she said. “After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body”

I’m conflicted, because I’m told that every fetus is a precious gift from God until they have to get on food stamps or turn 12 and play with a toy gun on a playground, but please keep in mind this is Kim Kardashian, so the pregnancy isn’t about the baby, it’s about how she looks in a mirror. Not entirely sure she knows that when you have another human growing inside you, you can’t take that extra weight and transfer that weight to her ass (you know, like she did with her actual ass). God was jel because Kim was so hot, so he knocked her up with Kanye’s Baby. I’m tired of hearing about how great Dr. Saperstein is, Kanye!