Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Having Issues

Amber Heard is almost too hot to stare at directly, and Johnny Depp is obviously struggling with early onset dementia caused by wearing excessive scarves, but they’ve managed to keep it together for a year despite that, and now it seems it probab;y won’t make it another year. If nothing else, Johnny Depp got to have sex with a 28-year old blonde for a year.

Nearly a year after their whirlwind romance and surprise engagement, the couple have slowed down their wedding plans, multiple sources tell PEOPLE.  “There is no rush to marry at the moment,” says a longtime friend of Depp. “Johnny is crazy in love with Amber, but there is turmoil in the relationship.” “Amber flirts and has many different kinds of relationships,” the source says. “She is not really ready to settle down.”

You know who else needs to slow down their wedding plans? Everyone. Everyone needs to slow down their wedding plans. Or just cancel them. I know that most of you think that its  God’s miracle that you just happened to find your soulmate living in the same city as you, but please keep in mind that you have to find this person sexually and emotionally fulfilling for the rest of your life or they get a portion of your check. Just wanted to throw that out there.