Jennifer Aniston Is Delusional

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged last August after dating less than a year. Man, that seemed pretty quick. But don't worry guys, despite everything you know about Jennifer Aniston and how quickly she got engaged, she in no rush to get married because "we already feel married". Sure thing, bro. ABC News reports:

“We just want to do it when it’s perfect, and we’re not rushed, and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job,” the “We’re the Millers” actress told the Associated Press. “And, you know, we already feel married.”….“We have yet to set any dates. There have been no cancelled weddings. There have been no postponed weddings,” she said. “There have been no arguments about where to get married. Just clearing all that up.”

Translation: "Justin already feels married and smothered and wants me to chill the hell out for a minute so he can breathe. I just love him so much. When he goes to the bathroom I like to hold his hand because what if he falls and dies in there? I've read online that happens. What about when he sleeps? Oh, I stay awake and watch him. I think he wants me to do that because he wants to know he's loved. Sometimes I rub his hair and sometimes I take pictures of us when he's sleeping too. I close my eyes in the pictures because I want to see what it would look like if we were buried together. He'd probably want us to hold hands. But you know men, they can never say what they want. But I know what his heart wants."