Baby Yeezus Is Here

Kim Kardashian Kanye West Daughter Birth


Since the Bible taught us that abstitence is only 99.9% effective, Yeezus decided to play it safe and have sex with mortal Hasn't-Been-A-Virgin-Since-She-Was-14 MaryKim Kardashian and not pull out. The result was a female child born Saturday at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center. Mother and publicity stunt/future ratings peak are said to be resting comfortably. I assume this information was released after Kris Jenner screamed,"COME TO ME MY CHILD LET YOUR BLOOD NOURISH ME!" then drank the cord blood. The Kardashian's PR firm reports:

E! News has learned the baby girl is definitely a Kardashian Mini Me. "She has dark hair," our source says. "She looks just like Kim."...There's no official word yet on the baby's name, but sources tell E! News Kim told friends and family in the weeks leading up to the birth that the name "will start with a K."

Ok, I'm not a geneticist, but maybe if the baby had blonde hair that would be news. And can we elaborate how the baby "looks just like Kim" when it's two days old? Is it because it came out covered in piss? Is it because Khloe put too much tanner on it? Did it have plastic surgery at 30 weeks? Somebody needs to explain this to me. And, I'm trying to faint from the shock that this thing's name is gonna start with a 'K'. Kanye wants the greatest hashtag of all time, so they'll probably name it "Kony".