Taylor Swift Is In Denial

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From October 2008 to right now, Taylor Swift has dated/fucked the following people: Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Connor Kennedy, Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Cory Monteith, Will Anderson, Thomas Odell, Eddie Redmayne, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Lucas Till, Garrett Hedlund, Justin Gaston, and Justin Gaston. That’s 16 dudes. 16. And that’s not counting the dudes we don’t know about who smiled at her once or told her she was pretty. But in the April 2013 issue of Vanity Fair, Swift “fights back” against the media because they have “turned her into a character”, because all of the pictures of her with these dudes are apparently Photoshopped and her songs aren’t about every dick she’s jumped on.

On why she can’t keep a boyfriend for longer than two months:

“I’m sick of the tabloids saying I obsess over guys. Why would you obsess over guys? They don’t like it.”

On forgetting the fact she bought a house in Hyannis Port next to Connor Kennedy after dating him for a month:

“People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that’s something you should do.”

On why you’re sexiest if you call her a needy ho:

“Everybody in these tabloidy gossipy blogs, they think they have you pegged, like ‘Taylor’s boy-crazy’…For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her…that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

On how females only count the penises they officially date in their number:

“But what it ended up adding to was this whole kind of everyone jumping on the bandwagon of ‘Taylor dates too much’—which, you know, if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people.”

She said this when asked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler clowning her at the Golden Globes:

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,’ “

So to recap, Taylor Swift isn’t clingy or needy and if you say she is you’re sexist and if you’re a woman and say it you’re going to a special place in hell. Which reminds, how many special places in hell are there? Let’s all agree to stop using that phrase. Thanks.