Taylor Swift Wants To Date Mumford & Sons

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This is how I choose to read this. The Sun reports:

TAYLOR SWIFT has got a checklist of men to meet at the Brits, but only to talk shop. The singer’s dusted off her autograph book ahead of the awards after seeing MUMFORD & SONS, TOM ODELL and BEN HOWARD would be there. A source said: “Taylor is a huge fan of British music. “She was over the moon when she found out Mumford & Sons were going, because she’s had Babel on repeat for months. “She loves Tom, too – she was blown away by his cover of I Knew You Were Trouble.”

Mumford & Sons is a wannabe Fleet Foxes. There, I said it. But that won’t stop Taylor Swift from following them around to renaissance fairs or commnues or wherever they perform because she’ll think they want to marry her after they all get handjobs after this awards show. Then she’ll buy a house next to one of their mothers. Then she’ll dress up a baby doll in a vest and a bowtie and try to teach it to play banjo. It has to be banjo. Because if a member of Mumford & Sons sees someone playing the drums they catch on fire and explode into organic coffee grounds.