Jessica Simpson Didn’t Realize The Weight Wouldn’t Just Fall Off

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If you bomb abortion clinics because you value the “sanctity of life”, first of all, thanks for reading. Second, Jessica Simpson carried a human being to full term without understanding that pilfering campsites might make you gain weight then became bewildered by basic physiology. Radar Online reports:

In what was reminiscent of her ditzy comments about “chicken of the sea,” Jessica Simpson has revealed that she thought the pregnancy pounds would vanish as soon as she gave birth! “I didn’t realize [the weight] didn’t all come off with the baby,” said the adorable new mom, who has been working hard to slim down since daughter Maxwell Drew was born on May 1, reported USA Today. Instead of watching what she ate while she was expecting, the singer, actress and fashion designer allowed herself to give in to her cravings without feeling guilty. “I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant and I wanted to enjoy it,” she revealed. “I wanted to be happy and eat what I wanted.” “Constantly hungry” with a “big appetite,” 5’4″ Jessica treated herself to mac and cheese amongst other treats as a mom-to-be, which contributed to her weight reaching more than 170 pounds by the time she was full term. “Nobody wants to talk about their weight. For me, I have had to come to a place where I am comfortable with myself. I’m a mom now, and get to be a role model for this beautiful little girl,” she said.

This baby probably already has a cardiac shunt, but it’s always hilarious when women defend their comical weight gain by saying they wanted to enjoy the experience of being pregnant then claim to be role models. No, bitch. You just hungry. Putting marshmallows on your mac and cheese isn’t going to put you on the dollar. It will, however, put you on a waiting list for a gastric bypass. I hate to be the one to point this out, but food actually tastes better when you chew it. Your teeth aren’t just for skinning that raccoon you just caught.