Suri Was A Pawn

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Last week, Katie Holmes was alone in her four-corned room staring at candles because Scientology had dispatch spies to follow her every move as she attempted to escape the clutches of a religion that was founded by a sci-fi writer in an ascot, then suddenly, she and Tom Cruise release a joint statement pretending to be friends and that their split was amicable. Why? Oh, no reason. They apparently realized they had a fucking kid. TMZ reports:

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise went from zero to nuclear war in an instant when she filed divorce papers, but it was little Suri who became the peacemaker … sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ. Our sources say … a week ago Thursday, after Katie filed, the hostility between the two was palpable and Suri became a weapon. Katie wanted to strip Tom of all decision-making power in Suri’s life, and Tom responded by unleashing the biggest legal guns around to fight her. We’re told what turned everything around was a series of conversations that Suri would be irreparably damaged by parental warfare. It registered big time with both Tom and Katie, and it allowed their lawyers to strike a deal in what could be record time for this type of divorce.

This story gets even better when you realize that Katie Holmes is just Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby, and Suri Cruise was born because Scientology inseminated Holmes’ with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Yes, that’s true. What? You say somehting, Scientology?! COME AT ME, BRO!