BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lied About Something

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Don’t know if you’ve figured it out yet, but if Lindsay is involved in an incident then immediately releases a statement, please read the statement then know that the truth is whatever the opposite is. So, yeah, remember when she slammed her Porsche into the back of a tractor-trailer then blamed her assistant? Then blamed the truck driver? Then blamed Obama? Then blamed an alien conspiracy? Then blamed ghosts? Then snorted baby powder because wow she’s fucking high. Radar Online reports:

The investigation into what caused Lindsay Lohan to crash into a truck on Pacific Coast Highway is winding down, and the contributing factor to the accident was the fact that the embattled actress was speeding…A source close to the situation tells us, “The investigation is almost complete, and Lindsay was speeding in the moments before the accident. She was probably going ten miles over the posted speed limit, which would have been around fifty miles per hour. There were no skid marks, which indicate that Lindsay was indeed speeding and didn’t have time to even hit the brakes before she crashed into the truck. Lindsay is truly lucky to be alive, and that no one else got seriously injured. Lindsay could be cited by the Santa Monica Police Department for causing the accident, but it doesn’t seem very likely. The police report and investigation findings will be turned over to Lindsay and the trucker, James Johnson’s respective insurance companies. Lindsay’s Porsche was totaled in the accident and was a complete loss.”

Jesus. Leave it to Lindsay to completely fuck up her own death. Somebody should just tell her there’s a cock that shoots out heroin with a script it’d like for her to read at the bottom of volcano so we can go ahead and get this shit over with.