Sofia Vergara: “Latin Women Are Insane” (I’m Paraphrasing)

Sofia Vergara is on the cover of next month’s Esquire, and inside, she gives an interview which is described as “an intimate conversation in which the bombshell from Modern Family reveals, in her own words, closely guarded truths about the heretofore incomprehensible ways of the Latin woman.” And by “closely guarded truths” they mean “the well-known stereotype that Latin women are loud, mentally unstable freakshows who dress provocatively to entice men with their Latin vagina because as soon as they hit 13, their huge, overbearing family passes them the baton in the procreation relay race.”

Is patience the most important quality that an American man needs if he wants to be with a Latina?

Yeah. There’s always a lot going on. Nick wonders how I can get really mad and scream, then turn around, do something, come back, and forget that I was mad.

That’s my wife. And I’ll bet he thinks you’re still mad ten minutes later.

Of course! The first time it happened, he thought, This woman is insane. One time I was screaming with my sister. Then the next day, I told him I was having lunch with her. He said, “How? You were just fighting with her!”

So we must understand the mercurial.

I’m, like, bipolar.

Is that something a Latin man would take for granted?

I didn’t even realize it was weird or insane until I came here. It’s not out of the ordinary where I come from. Everybody’s like that. It’s better that way. You forget about what’s bothering you. It’s not like you’re holding it inside, you know? You get it out — and it’s over with.

Explain this: Latinas love to dress sexy. How is the guy she’s with supposed to react when other guys look at her?

That’s where it’s up to the Latina to be intelligent and choose a guy who can handle that. If a Latina falls in love with someone who is insecure, it can be a nightmare. I’ve had girlfriends who’ve been with really jealous guys, and it’s like they’re never enjoying you. You’re at a party and they’re just watching your every move. Then they’ll come over and say, “Why were you talking so closely to that guy? Put your skirt down!” Look, if you’re sexy, if you like dressing sexy, you’re not doing anything more than feeling beautiful. A Latina just wants to walk into a place and feel great. Somebody is going to turn around and look. So a Latina better find a guy who understands that, even appreciates it, because it’s a compliment.

Is there something an American man should know about a Latina as he approaches her sexually?

I guess at the end of the day, all women like to be appreciated and treated with respect and kindness. We all want to have sex in a romantic way. But with a Latina, you’re going to have more fun. [Vergara winks. She winks in a way that no woman from Stockholm or Tokyo or Minneapolis can wink. She winks in a way that only a Latina can wink.]

Where’s the line for a Latin woman between being beautiful and being slutty?

There’s nothing slutty about a dental-floss bikini. You don’t even think about it. The first bathing suit your mother buys you is in the shape of a triangle.

Nonstop impulsive spontaneity can be difficult for some American men.

Just accept the Latin woman for how she is and enjoy her. Embrace the mystery.

Here’s something I’ve always wondered about: Why is it that Latinas go crazy when their men look at another woman, yet when they have boys, they want their sons to go out with as many women as possible?

[She smiles.] There’s no analyzing that. That’s just how it is.

As most guys will tell you, the hotter a chick is, the crazier she is allowed to be, because most men would put up with a lot to see Sofia Vergara naked everyday. Like having pitbulls chained to the front porch or a basketball goal nailed to a light pole. Or having chickens in the backyard. Or having to go to the laundromat. Or Guadalupe candles. Or alcoholism. Or oranges. Or salsa. Or any other racist things I can think of I guess. Haha, lowriders! I forgot lowriders!

Pic source = Esquire