Britney Spears To Be Declared A Legal Adult Next Month

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In January 2008, Britney Spears shaved her head then attacked a car with an umbrella because the voices in her head were telling her to kill. Then she held her children hostage, then she went to McDonald’s a lot. In a surprising twist, her father, Jamie Spears, and a judge agreed that she was out of her fucking mind and established a conservatorship where Jamie Spears received full control over her life and finances. Now that Britney is engaged and hasn’t manged to kill her kids, her father is set to petition the court next month to effectively end the conservatorship, because FUCK YES THIS BITCH IS SOMEBODY ELSE’S PROBLEM NOW. MTV News reports:

After Britney Spears had her famous meltdown back in January 2008, everybody agreed it was probably best if she didn’t have control of her own personal finances. But now, just over four years later, her father Jamie is apparently asking a judge to end the arrangement which has seen a board of conservators having control of his daughter’s money. The Sunday Express claims that Jamie intends that Britters will should have control of her own finances by the time she marries fiancé Jason Trawick next month. A source told the paper: “Jamie wants to go to court in early February so Britney will be a free woman in every sense when she marries.”

I never really thought this day would come, because I sincerely thought Britney would be dead by now of whatever it is that retarded people die from. Drowning? Trying to ride a bike? Remembering to breathe? To be honest, I’m really not up to date on the leading causes of death of retarded people. Doing math problems? No? Shit this is hard!