So, We’re Really Doing This Now? Ok.

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“Stop looking at my dick, guys.”

In case you haven’t heard (LOL!), Jay-Z and Beyonce and their surrogate had a baby, Blue Ivy Carter, five days ago, and almost immediately Jay-Z released a song called Glory featuring B.I.C.. Of course, “B.I.C” is a writing pen “Blue Ivy Carter”, making her the youngest person ever credited with being on the Billboard chart. And apparently that’s some sort of big deal I guess because Jay-Z held out a tape recorder while the kid was coming out. Man, how impressive! I bet she’s gonna grow up to be a huge star with grace and humility and not at all be an entitled cunt. Billboard reports:

If you guessed that Baby Carter would grow up to be a star because of her ubiquitous, famous parents, you were probably right. If you anticipated her first song being released in her tweens, a la Willow Smith, you were dead wrong. Try within hours of her birth. Blue Ivy Carter, the bundle of joy brought into the world by megastar Beyoncé (with a little help from fellow famous dad Jay-Z) Saturday (Jan. 7), becomes the youngest person ever credited with gracing a Billboard chart, as Jay-Z’s newly-recorded studio cut “Glory” — officially billed as “featuring B.I.C.,” an abbreviation of Blue Ivy Carter — begins on R&B/Hip-Hop Songs at No. 74. (For historical purposes, this week’s Billboard charts are dated Jan. 21). Blue Ivy Carter/B.I.C. also benefits from the era in which she born. Technology today allows an advantage in that Jay-Z was able to record and release “Glory” less than 48 after her birth. After almost 72 years of numbers, positions, peaks, lows, gains and debuts — the first national Billboard chart was published the week of July 27, 1940 — the little princess born to the reigning king and queen of R&B/hip-hop breaks the mold almost concurrently with her arrival into Beyonce’s anticipating, loving arms.

I won’t even go into how “Blue Ivy” sounds like a Febreeze candle scent or a strand of weed, but can we get off this baby’s dick? Look, I understand the whole proud parent thing, but was this kid found by the Pharaoh’s daughter on the river bank? No. Two famous people happened to fuck and they had a kid. That’s it. She’s a baby, let her be a baby. Let’s try not to overthink this. Jay-Z already has a 9-year old kid he threw $1M at to go away, so hopefully he doesn’t grow up with the lyrics of this song seared into his brain. Toddlers riding solid gold rocking horses are pretty easy to find with a rifle scope I would imagine.