Kris Humphries: “I Was Just A Plot Line”

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Despite remaining completely quiet during the Kris Jenner/E!/Us Weekly contract hit out on his life, Kris Humphries is refusing a divorce from Kim Kardashian and is now seeking an annulment based largely in part that the whole 72 day wedding was a fraudulent lie cooked up by Kris Jenner and E! (who just basically called Daniel Craig a hater) to boost ratings and reap untold fortunes. I know, I’m shocked myself. TMZ reports:

Sources very close to Kris Humphries tell TMZ … Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels “he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian’s latest headline and newest business venture.” We’re told Kris believes Kim never intended to stay married to him, but needed a groom to fuel ratings for her show. One source says, “Once they were finished taping, she just didn’t need a groom anymore.” (like here) Kris is telling people he feels like a pawn in the game. And, we’re told, Kris is outraged by people who think he was in on the wedding scam — according to one friend, “He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church.” Finally, Kris feels Kim’s own statement that she posted on her blog is a smoking gun … specifically, “I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show.” Bottom line — the divorce/annulment war in on.

And if you were still on the fence on whether or not this den of whores would suck a dead giraffe’s dick on the fifty-yard line during halftime at the Superbowl to stay famous, it is now being reported that Kourtney Kardashian is now getting married just one day after she revealed that she is 9 weeks pregnant. You know, the same Kourtney Kardashian who said she would never marry Scott Disick. Man, what great timing! ET reports:

Sources close the Kardashian family tell Entertainment Tonight that the wedding of pregnant Kourtney Kardashian and longtime love Scott Disick is imminent. Sources say the wedding will be the complete antithesis of sister Kim’s lavish affair and that it will be low key, just family. There are whispers that it will take place at the Kardashian family home. No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised. Kourtney and Scott announced Wednesday that they are expecting their second child together. The pair have a son, Mason, who is almost 2.

Jesus Christ. “No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised”? Bitch please. Bruce Jenner can’t make Kris Jenner cum unless he gives her executive producer credit and final cut on his o-face, so of course this will be a two-part primetime special. Kris Jenner is doing anything she can right now to distract you from the fact that this whole thing was a lie. “Hey, look! Pregnancy! Marriage! Happy thoughts!” Instead of doing this, Kris Jenner should come into your house while you’re reading this and kick over your computer then throw a baby monkey in a tracksuit on a piece of cardboard so you can watch him breakdance. “Don’t bother with all that! Look at the monkey! It’s dancing monkey! Everybody loves dancing monkeys!” It would basically be the same thing.