Angelina Jolie Should Probably Be Dead

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Natural selection is real. Us Weekly reports:

Prior to her current, globe-trotting wife as an actress, humanitarian, mother of six and longtime partner to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie first became a household name as a weird, risk-taking Hollywood hottie. Now 36, the star (whose directorial and screenwriting debut In the Land of Blood and Honey is out in December) says that the much-parodied darkness of her earlier years was very real — and very scary. “I went through heavier, darker times and I survived them. I didn’t die young,” Jolie tells 60 Minutes’ Bob Simon in a new interview airing Sunday. “So I am very lucky. There are other artists and people that didn’t survive certain things,” adds the Oscar winner. Daredevil Jolie — who infamously smooched her brother James Haven at the Oscars, kept a vial of blood of hubby Billy Bob Thornton’s around her neck, amid other pre-Brad shenanigans — failed to elaborate how she might have died young. But, she teases to Simon: “People can imagine that I did the most dangerous, and I did the worst. . . for many reasons, I shouldn’t be here…You just. . . too many times where you came close to too many dangerous things, too many chances taken too, too far.” Not that she’s completely reformed, of course. “I’m still a bad girl,” Jolie insists. “I still have that side of me. . . it’s just in its place now. . . it belongs to Brad–or our adventures,” she gushes of Pitt, 47, her man since 2005.

Angelina Jolie survived playing with knives, fucking unattractive people (google “Jenny Shimizu”), maybesortakinda committing minor acts of incest, and being whispered about doing heroin. If she doesn’t live for another 50 years, chances are Jennifer Aniston misinterpreted the headline to this.