Jessica Simpson Is Trying To Kill Her Baby

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Turns out it’s not from embarrassment as I had originally thought. Hollybaby reports:

“She’s said it’s been a difficult pregnancy — she’s been dizzy and nauseous,” a friend told OK!. And her pregnancy has been so difficult that doctors even gave 31-year-old Jessica a stern warning — no more junk food or you’ll hurt the baby!“They beg her to ease off, but so far she has not been able to help herself,” a friend revealed to OK!. “Everything she eats is highly processed with chemicals and preservatives, white flour and sugar.” Jessica’s been known to love her junk food, but now that she’s pregnant she has an excuse to it her favorite treats (check out below for a step-by-step look at her cravings). “Her mom and sister Ashlee tell her that all those chemicals are bad for the baby, but she won’t listen,” the insider added. “Jessica has always loved to eat; almost to the point of addiction. Jessica’s drug of choice is food and has been since she was a little kid.” And fiance Eric Johnson isn’t helping her stay healthy: “She’ll tell Eric to bring her home a brownie, but once she has one, it kind of kicks in a binge. She’ll move onto ice cream, then she’ll want something salty, like potato chips with French onion dip.” Jessica’s unhealthy diet has made her gain way more weight, and now she’s so uncomfortable. “Everything on her is swollen — out to her feet and hands,” the source told OK!. “Jess says she feels like a beached whale. She’s always too hot. She’s taking three showers a day.” To make matters worse, the stress has led to many sleepless nights! “She can never find the right position,” the source explained. “Jess is a stomach sleeper and has a hard time adjusting; her breasts and belly are so big. Since she’s pregnant, she can’t even take a mild sleeping pill.”

Let’s not kid ourselves, there was already a chance this baby would have a lobster arm growing out of his back or scales when he came out anyway. Mostly because his mother is a retard. Now he’s apparently gonna come out with diabetes and the LDL’s of Cookie Monster because Jessica Simpson can’t seem to stop sucking down chocolate like she just found Willy Wonka’s river. Let’s hope they pull this baby out before she decides to put some string cheese on it and eat, but even then she’ll probably schedule the C-section until after the Krispy Kreme Hot Now sign goes off.