Ashton Kutcher Is January Jones’ Baby Daddy

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January Jones dated Ashton Kutcher when she first moved to Los Angeles, now Ashton Kutcher is married to this. I don’t know the science behind it, but Demi Moore is 48 and has three kids, so her vagina is probably haunted and her OB/GYN sometimes has to use anti-freeze. And a feather duster or compressed air. Or whatever means she’s old. Also, I understand why someone would want to have unprotected sex with January Jones. All this just makes sense basically is what I’m saying. HollywoodLife reports:

Internet websites and message boards are blowing up with wild speculation that Ashton got an ex-girlfriend who’s now a TV superstar PREGNANT and THAT’s what’s really breaking up his marriage to Demi Moore! Do you believe it? Ashton Kutcher‘s marriage to Demi Moore is reportedly under major stress after 21 year-old blonde Sara Leal has claimed that she spent a steamy night in bed with the Two and a Half Men star. But now we are reading and hearing widespread whispers and allegations that are linking him to a FAR more shocking affair! Commenters on are speculating that the following item, posted on Oct. 17, is about Ashton, 33, Demi, 48, and Ashton’s sexy ex-girlfriend January Jones: “This married actor had a one-night stand with one of his exes, who is an actress in an acclaimed television show. She wound up pregnant. The actor’s wife found out about the baby, and, to no one’s surprise, went completely ballistic. Both the actor and his wife tried every tactic (money, lawyers, threats to ruin her career) to convince the ex to terminate the pregnancy. Despite enormous pressure from all sides, the ex decided to keep the baby. The actor’s marriage is now on the rocks. We’re not sure how long everyone can remain tight-lipped about this one. It will be difficult to keep such a bombshell out of divorce proceedings, which will likely occur before the New Year.”

This is all rumor and speculation of course, so it’s really up to you if you believe it or not. Just like the time somebody posted on Facebook that I screamed and hid behind my car when I saw a possum in my driveway. Please. Since when is a car a truck?