Scarlett Johansson Was Too Sexy For Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

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Since Hollywood is devoid of any original ideas and has run out of Asian films to remake (yes, I’m looking at you too, The Departed), Hollywood is now raping and pillaging Sweden (they started here) for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. A litany of A-list actresses, including Scarlett Johansson, were vying for the part, but director David Fincher thought some homely chick would be better. Totally. Because if Americans hate one thing, it’s seeing hot chicks in their movies. Us Magazine reports:

Director David Fincher eventually gave the part in his American adaptation to lesser-known actress Rooney Mara, with whom he worked on The Social Network. “We flew in people from New Zealand and Swaziland and all over the place,” Fincher explained to Vogue. “Look, we saw some amazing people. Scarlett Johansson was great. It was a great audition, I’m telling you.” So why didn’t Johansson, 26, nab the part? “But the thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.” Indeed, Johansson is probably too voluptuous for the edgy role as it is written in the book. Brilliant, socially freakish computer hacker Salander is a “a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows,” author Larson wrote of Lizbeth, who is covered in tattoos.

So to recap, a pale, socially awkward, and unattractive computer hacker with Asperger Syndrome spends two hours stealing money from a bank. Ooohh, how exciting! I’m sure this will be a big hit in America. Maybe they should change the name to The Girl With The Dragon Tramp Stamp just to make sure, though. Then have some sort of Taco Bell tie-in. And maybe make it in 3D. And have a contest where audiences will have the chance to win a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew. Or be an extra on Pawn Stars. Or get a free makeover. Or something having to do with the McRib.