Gwyneth Paltrow Did An Interview With Elle. Brace Yourself.

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Gywneth Paltrow recently did an interview with Elle, and as you read it, please keep in mind that it’s a fluff piece designed to show “the other side” of Gwyneth Paltrow. Turns out her other side is also a pretentious, smug bitch.

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

On her much-talked about appearance on Chelsea Lately: “Doing Chelsea Handler is like doing Howard Stern: You’ve gotta rise to the occasion. It’s good to shock people who think of me as the prim Gwyneth Paltrow.”

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

You can read the rest of the interview on Elle’s site if you want, but just assume she talks about how likes 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam with her dodo bird egg omelets and how grateful she is that John Hammond gave her kids park hopper passes to Jurassic Park.