Olivia Wilde Doesn’t Understand Dating

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At the age of 18, Olivia Wilde got married in a bus to an Italian prince. I know that sounds like I just pulled words out of a hat, but at 26, she now finds herself single for the first time in her adult life after getting a divorce this year. Apparently she thought she could ask a guy to the Sadie Hawkins dance by calling him on a rotary phone then maybe go the skating rink after so they could couple skate to Dru Hill and then get a milkshake afterward because she got a divorce and still thought it was the 90’s. She also has a gigantic forehead, but that’s really beside the point. Daily Mail reports:

Wilde, who has been linked to Justin Timberlake, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling since her split, told Nylon magazine: ‘Dating is new to me.’ She says it has especially hard in the modern world, where much communication is done via cell phones and email. ‘I see the whole thing like someone who’s been in a coma and I’ve come out like, ‘Wait, people text message? They text love? How do you text about love??’ she said. Her comments come as she recently told Marie Claire that dating is like ‘entering a shark pool.’ ‘I’m trying to be adult, entering the shark pool of dating. But I’m hopeless at it,’ said. In the Nylon interview, Wilde also insists she has put on a few pounds since her marriage ended, saying her ‘fat jeans’ are now not so loose any more. ‘I got a divorce and self medicated with food,’ she said. ‘But I figure that’s better than self-medicating with crack cocaine.’

You don’t really text love as much as you do your tits, and if a guy loves them he will ask you out. But I never text my dick because I’m a gentleman and I would rather share it with a woman that I respect and love. I’m just kidding. I don’t text my dick because it’s really small.