Kim Kardashian Is Engaged

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“A carved up face and an ass that looks a dissected seal? Ray J face fucked her then blew in her mouth on camera? Then he pissed on her? That’s it, I have to marry this woman. Let no man stop me.” – Kris Humphries. People reports:

It was a dream come true for Kim Kardashian when she walked into her Beverly Hills home May 18. Her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, was waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” “I didn’t expect this at all,” Kardashian, 30, tells PEOPLE in an exclusive interview (out Friday) of the romantic, surprise proposal. “I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now.” Humphries popped the question with a custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler. “I just knew I wanted it to be big,” says Humphries, 26, who, with the help of Kardashian’s mom Kris Jenner, planned an intimate family celebration later that evening.

I can’t believe this wasn’t done in front of a camera, but a 20.5-carat ring? Are we serious right now? Is her vagina gonna make him average more than 10 points a game? When he pulls out does he gain the power of sight beyond sight? Can he fly afterward? Can he accurately predict the stock market? No? Ok, then we’re still on the same page that no vagina would ever be worth a 20.5-carat engagement ring.