Katy Perry Is Very Reasonable

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Being a manufactured pop star with her tits hanging out who takes her listeners on an Auto-tuned, cotton candy tour through corporate, watered down edginess and hilariously forced social messages about being an explosive pyrotechnic device used for aesthetic and entertainment purposes can be exhausting. So before she performs to the 14-year old girls and gay men in your town, Katy Perry hands over her 45-page concert rider so she can be undeservedly be treated like the royalty that she is. The Smoking Gun reports:

Her dressing room:

(which has to be draped in cream or soft pink) needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs, one of which should have a footstool. It is unclear whether Perry requires original Arne Jacobsens or cheap knockoffs. A coffee table needs to be “perspex modern style.” A pair of floor lamps should be in “French ornate style.” And the singer’s refrigerator must come with a glass door. As for the dressing room’s flower arrangement, Perry wants “White and purple hydrangeas, pink & white roses and peonies.” If those flowers are not available, Perry will settle for a “selection of seasonal white flowers to include white orchids.” However, promoters are advised, “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS.” That warning is, of course, underlined.

Her hotel:

Perry requires a “1 bedroom presidential suite” in a “5 star property.” And free Internet service and a complimentary breakfast must be provided to the performer and her touring party.

Drivers aren’t real people and are not allowed to look at her directly in the eye:

Chauffeurs, the rider notes, are not allowed to “start a conversation w/ the client.” Wheelmen are similarly barred from conversing with Perry’s guests or fans. They also are directed not to stare at the backseat through the rear view mirror. Drivers should also not “ask for autographs or pictures, and especially not while driving!” Finally, Perry’s ride should be outfitted with four water bottles (presumably in the event she forgets her Sigg).

Scalpers can’t feed their children from Katy Perry:

The rider also alerts promoters that they may be required to hold back tickets for concerts so that Perry & Co. can provide the ducats to “resellers” for “distribution to the public” on the “secondary market.” In other words, Perry reserves the right to pocket some of the proceeds from the sale of tickets–not made available at face price to her fans–scalped at inflated prices by these brokers.

Whatever. People will say this is a “standard rider” so they pretty make my argument for me. I’m just more concerned about the carnations. Did one try to molest her as a child? Are carnations poisonous? Why didn’t anyone tell me? What about the lysine contingency? We could put that into effect?! Oh, God. The raptor fences aren’t out, are they? The shut down must’ve turned off all the fences. Damn it, even Nedry knew better than to mess with the raptor fences.