Lindsay Lohan: “Glad to Be Able to Put This Past Me. You Know, So I Can Drink Again.”

I actually got emails yesterday asking me why I didn’t cover Lindsay Lohan‘s “sentencing”, but really, what’s the point? She’s been breaking the law without remorse or punishment for over four years now. But to make sure we’re all on the same page here, Lindsay’s 120 jail sentence got reduced to 14-days house arrest. Apparently because her house is overcrowded. And Lindsay is still a narcissistic, delusional drug addict with no concept of reality who will continue to do whatever the fuck she wants to do when she wants to do it without fear of ever having to be held accountable. E! Online reports:

“I am glad to be able to put this past me and move on with my life and my career. I support the judge’s decision and hold myself accountable for being in this situation,” Lohan says…”I have already started my community service at the Downtown Women’s Center and thank everyone there for their warm welcome,” she adds. “I hope to be able to fulfill my obligation without any press attention. I think the media spotlight should be on issues such as homelessness and domestic violence instead of on me.“

In the media’s defense, it’s hard to focus on homelessness and domestic violence when you call the paparazzi ahead of time to let them know exactly where you’ll be at all times then throw in the fact that you won’t be wearing a bra. But more to the point, Lindsay’s probation report was released. Guess what she was doing at The Betty Ford Clinic the whole time? If you said, “drinking anything she could get her hands on”, congratulations! You’re the big winner! People magazine reports:

Lindsay Lohan drank alcohol the night she scuffled with a Betty Ford employee and failed a random alcohol test after she left rehab, according to a probation report. The probation report says Lohan indeed drank alcohol after sneaking out from the Betty Ford Center in December, citing local police interviews with restaurant and nightclub employees. Charges that she battered a rehab employee that night were dropped for lack of evidence. And Lohan, 24, tested positive for alcohol in February, one week after her assistant surrendered the allegedly stolen necklace to the LAPD. “The probation officer believes that substance abuse is the root of the defendant’s problems,” the report says, although L.A. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner disagreed with that assessment on Wednesday.

She steals from businesses, photoshoots, her friends, she gets drunk and chases people, she gets caught with coke, and she lies straight to the judge’s face. And nothing. Any time a judge tries to help her by sending her to rehab, she just shits in her hand and throws it at everyone involved then leaves early to go drink. Nothing will ever happen to Lindsay. Nothing. Ever. And when she’s finally found in a ditch with a syringe in her arm and a broken bottle up her ass and semen in her hair, people will say it’s a tragedy. And it will be. A tragedy for my pageviews.