Gwyneth Paltrow Had A Dinner Party

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To celebrate the release her new book, The Day After Tomorrow The Day Before Yesterday My Father’s Daughter, Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a simple dinner party. With Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez, the Seinfelds, Mario Batali, Chris Martin, Michael Stipe, Martha Stewart, Rupert Murdoch’s wife, and Christy Turlington. You know, just like every dinner party a working mom would have. Wanna take a guess how pretentious and out of touch with reality this whole night was? Oh, I bet you’ll never guess. The New Yorker (of course) reports:

Ass-kissing writer of this article:

Paltrow, who was hosting a dinner party to celebrate her publication, was not yet drinking, but she had a glow. She wore a white racer-back dress, tan wedges, and a linen apron with the book’s title printed on the chest. She eats at home, she said. That day: “a cappuccino, some poached eggs with spinach, an apple, almonds, some cheese and bread, and a turkey sandwich with avocado and tomato.” She said, “People who don’t know me think that I only eat seaweed and rice balls.”

Gwyneth Paltrow:

“I’ve been the cook amongst my family and friends for years,” she said the other night. “That’s why I wrote the book. Because my friends are, like, ‘How do you make that? I want your chili recipe!’ ”

Christy Turlington:

“We are lucky in that we have been the recipients of many meals with Gwyneth Paltrow,” she said, and mentioned a stuffed-lobster dish that Paltrow and Martin had served in Amagansett. “They do everything themselves, including the killing of the lobster,” she said. “It’s not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It’s a different, faster approach. I could never do it.”

Mario Batali:

“She eats like a truck driver,” he said of Paltrow. He recalled being in Valencia, Spain, and “watching her eat an entire pan of paella as big as a manhole cover.”

Jessica Seinfeld:

“There is no one who is more comfortable or more capable in the kitchen, naturally, than you,” she said to Paltrow. “I don’t know how you do it.” She turned to the assembled guests. “And you are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth’s world. Because this is the real deal. And she’s invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.”

Michael Stipe:

“Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.”

Oh God, shut the fuck up. If you wonder why people hate Gwyneth Paltrow, this is why. She was born rich and connected and now she wrote a book with recipes from her father’s personal chef, Juan. I don’t know if Juan exists, but I’m sure he does. His name might also be Miguel. Or Jean-Georges. Or Pascal. Or whoever the fuck it is who cooks this shit while a Vietnamese lady gives Paltrow a koala blood colonic and a dragon counts her gold.