Lindsay’s Probation Report “Could Destroy Her”

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Lindsay Lohan‘s lawyers have done a great job so far painting Lindsay as the helpless victim of an evil jewelry store whose sole purpose of existing is to defame the spotless character of their client, but if they choose to go to trial, her probabtion report could be used in court to determine sentencing. And apparently, “WTF, you crackhead, bitch?!”, is the usual response after someone reads it. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned … the L.A. County Probation Department report on Lindsay Lohan is so blistering, it could land her in prison if she’s convicted of felony grand theft. Multiple sources familiar with the probation report tell TMZ … the report — drafted after Lindsay allegedly took the necklace in January — contains something “shocking” and “devastating” against Lindsay. The info has never been made public and our sources would not divulge specifics — only to say any judge who uses it to determine sentencing would probably throw the book at Lindsay. The stakes are high if Lindsay doesn’t accept Judge Keith Schwartz’ proposed sentence — which we’re told is 3 months in jail. If Lindsay decides to fight the charge, Judge Stephanie Sautner would use the report to determine sentencing if she decides Lindsay violated her probation. Lindsay faces more than a year in jail for the probation violation. And even worse for Lindsay … if Lindsay is convicted of felony grand theft, the judge in that case would also consider the scathing probation report. The maximum sentence Lindsay would get for felony grand theft is 1 year in state prison. Mind you Judge Schwartz’ job is to try and settle cases, which is why he’s willing to go pretty easy on Lindsay.

Whatever. Nothing is going to happen to Lindsay. She’s a manipulative drug addict who knows the weeping vaginas in the California justice system will let her skate by with every excuse and every lie she comes up with. But at least Japan helped us out. Now if somebody can tell Lindsay aliens will be dropping a 50 pound crack rock on the beach between 8:30am – 8:45am that would really help me out.