Kate Upton Is New Here, Perfection

So, I take back everything I said about Irina Shayk. Kate Upton should have made the cover. In fact, she should make every cover or every magazine ever made. Why? Because she’s complete and utter physical perfection. And she’s 18. I really don’t think I need to tell you at this point how my penis looks like the sword in the stone. It looks like one half of a drawbridge right now.

Note: When I was in Vegas, I met this chick from a bacherlorette party who I literally thought was Kate Upton. Turned out she was not Kate Upton. And she was 21. And she chased her Patron shots with lemons instead if limes. It’s a good think none of those were dealbreakers for me.