Jessica Simpson Is Too Fat To Get Married

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Jessica Simpson should really enter a stress eating contest now, because her fiance, Eric Johnson, says he can’t marry someone who has to shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods for a wedding dress. National Enquirer reports:

Diet or we’re done!” Jessica Simpson’s expanding waistline prompted an ugly ultimatum like that from her fiance Eric Johnson – and pals say the blonde beauty is heartsick over vicious weight-related fights that are jeopardizing their wedding plans. The 5-foot-3 singer is rapidly approaching the 150-pound mark because of her love for Mexican food, margaritas and “anything fried,” an insider told The Enquirer. “And now it looks like her weight gain is ripping them apart!” Eric, a former San Francisco 49ers football player, proposed in early November after a six-month courtship. “He is in tip-top shape and feels like Jessica is letting herself go,” divulged the insider. “They’ve recently had some brutal fights, and finally Eric basically told Jess if she didn’t lose weight soon, he was calling the whole thing off.”

Eric Johnson is a former professional athlete and a vegan. Jessica Simpson is currently retarded and eats like a zombie who just walked into a daycare. So, long story short, I completely believe this story. It’s hard to be in love with a woman when you’re pretty sure her vows are gonna include the words “Are you gonna finish that?”