The Critics Choice Awards Happened

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Another awards show that doesn’t matter happened, and people were there.

Mila Kunis was there and looked better and happier than that other chick in that ballerina movie with her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have to pretend to enjoy sex with Macaulay Culkin anymore.

Oh yeah, Natalie Portman. She looks so thrilled and grateful to be there! I bet she’s just busy thinking about all the nominations she’ll get for her next movie. You know, the one with Ashton Kutcher.

I was going to make a cheap joke about Kim Kardashian‘s dress matching Todd’s skin, but sweet mother. What the Hell happened to her face? She went from looking like Princess Jasmine to something that Sigourney Weaver would kill in a movie.

I can’t figure out why Amber Rose was there considering she was only famous for having sex with a gay fish. She looks like she’s from another planet. A planet where they have vaginas in their armpits.

For someone whose job it is to emote, it looks really difficult for Nicole Kidman. Is it too much Botox? Marrying too many closeted gay men in rapid succession? Gas?

Eva Mendes showed up because she shows up to everything. Are critics still honoring her work in The Spirit and Hitch?

Mandy Moore used to be famous for being that popstar who wasn’t Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or Jessica Simpson. Now she’s famous for voiceover work and apparently being a fucking Amazon.

Khloe Kardashian escaped Skull Island in time to make it, but had to fashion her own dress from her lunch on the way.

Keri Hilson has a song called “Pretty Girl Rock” in which she begs you, “Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful!” I know, it’s hard. But from the neck up, don’t worry–I’m sure everyone really likes you.

Sofia Vergara was there because, well, look at her. She wins at everything forever.

Michelle Williams
was supporting Blue Valentine, in which she gets to have sex with Ryan Gosling. If I didn’t do my research I’d assume she was there for her lead role in The Kids Are All Right or a women’s prison film.