Paris Hilton As Mommie Dearest

Paris Hilton may not yet have produced her own demon seed, but the next worst thing is happening.

As revealed, the hotel heiress is proving to be a stand-in mother for the daughter of her boyfriend Cy Waits. “I have a new BFF… and we spend time with Shae, who is seven-years-old, every weekend in Las Vegas. Shae is so smart and we love spending time together,” Paris told “We go shopping, I take her to the pet store and to the arcade. We take her to the Circus Circus amusement park. We do normal things.”

Stand-in mother? Where the hell is this child’s actual mother? Having Paris Hilton as a source of influence is basically securing this little girl’s spot on the pole for amateur night at Scores because all anyone could ever learn from her is how to shove size 12 feet into a size 10 shoe and when to take your Valtrex. Joan Crawford would have made a better step-mother than Paris, and at least Shae’s clothes would be properly hung.